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Calvin sat in the chair waiting for Dr. Pirozzi to arrive. He had arrived before her - mostly because he had been working up the courage to actually show up. When he found that courage he left before he couldn't second guess it. Mr. Volachov had scared him. He said he couldn't fire him if he didn't get help, but anymore trouble and Calvin would be gone. Calvin knew if he didn't, he wouldn't get better. The alcohol and sex weren't helping anymore. The fights were only a temporary relief as well.

Without these things though, Calvin had been forced to face his issues, and was having a hard time with it as he sat waiting. Even with Jensen's help, he was having trouble focusing. The result was terrifying. He seemed to feel so many emotions at once - sadness, anger, fear, anxiety, and regret cycled through his mind so quickly that it felt like they were all there at the same time. He felt overwhelmed and confused. He couldn't latch on to one - he didn't know why, but it somehow felt important that he knew what he was feeling. On top of that, he could feel the depression scratching at the back of his thoughts and begging him to go get alcohol. Tears started to fall as he felt more overwhelmed and he buried his face in his hands as he cried.

Calvin tried to rein in the tears. He didn't want to go in like that. He was sure that when he hadn't made a good impression when he set up the appointment. He had been drunk when he did it. He felt more shame at that. Regardless, the appointment had been scheduled and he was here to be treated for depression and substance abuse. He just didn't know if it would help or if this Alex even wanted to help him. He still didn't think he deserved it.

The tears went away and Calvin wiped his eyes. They were probably still red, but he didn't care. He was trying to fight this demon inside of him that wouldn't leave him alone, so he sat and waited for Dr. Pirozzi.
Days had been busy and some nights made those days even longer. Last night was thankfully not one of them. Today she had an new patient, one who actually made an appointment which was not typical of the establishment. Alex kept her patients typical times free and they tended towards keeping them.

Alex was early but yet she found that the patient had already arrived. She waved him to follow her as she walked into her office. She took off her coat and hung it by the door. Her pocket book she sat down on the floor by her desk chair then sat down. Her office was shared with other doctors so it wasn't like she knew were everything was. Normally she wouldn't search with the patient in the room, but today she made the exception. He looked a bit worse for wear.

Alex found her note pad and a working pen and looked up at him. "So tell me, Mr. Johnson, what is it that brings you to my office today?"
Lets start out simple and see what we can find out.
Dr. Pirozzi arrived and signaled for Calvin to follow her. He knew he was early and she had to find some things before they got started. Calvin sat down across from desk, trying to make himself seem smaller. He didn't remove his coat like she had. It made him feel a little more secure. He kept silent - truthfully unsure of what to say. His whole mind was a haze of emotions that he had to wade though and silence was just easier.

"So tell me, Mr. Johnson, what is it that brings you to my office today?"

The question was simple enough. Calvin had thought it would be the first thing she would bring up as well, but why was it so hard to answer. He was having trouble not thinking about the bottle. The emotions made him hurt - mentally and physically. He could feel a tightness in his chest that was uncomfortable. All of it made it hard to come up with the words to say in a way that made sense. He was nervous, scared, and confused as he tried to tell her why he had come.

" boss and coworkers and friends are concerned - think I need help."
Calvin finally said. "I think I do too maybe. I drink a lot - do other things too - so it doesn't hurt anymore. I feel lots of emotions at once - like I'm angry, sad, guilty, nervous, and scared at the same time. It's overwhelming, and I don't know what to do. The drinking used to make the pain go away, but it doesn't anymore. I just don't want to hurt anymore."

As he started talking the words came out. He was unaware of whether or not what he said made any sense. He felt like he wanted to cry again, but didn't feel like that was allowed - or maybe that he'd be embarrassed by it. It added to the confusion nonetheless. "Sorry, Dr., it's hard to think clearly right now. I feel like my brains all foggy."
He really hoped he wasn't wasting her time. It made him feel guilty too.

Edited by Calvin, Jan 6 2015, 12:48 PM.
Alex listened and watch him speak. It was a mass confusion in his emotions, he kept them mostly in check outwardly but inside he was a mess. Sometimes they came in just wanting to talk, not really seeking real help just enough to get by and persuade whoever was worried about them that they were fine. He didn't sound insincere when he said he wanted help, but sometimes they think they do but have no follow through.

Alex would have to play this carefully, if he was a drunkard or other addicted personality, anything she prescribed could be abused in the long run. Hopefully this was more than the simple fix and more about actually getting better.

"Can you think of the reason why you started hurting so much you needed to self-medicate? A specific starting point? Something happen to you? A family member?"
Her next question helped. She asked for a specific event - he didn't want to talk about that day with Sierra. That's when it had started. He grasped onto the word family. He could talk about his family at least. It was a part of it anyway. With the single word, he could move through the fog more easily.

"My mother died when I was in my early twenties. My dad committed suicide a year later. I should have seen it. I knew he was upset. I wasn't good enough to stop it."
Calvin's voice stayed remarkably calm. Inside he was being torn apart.

"Then my wife and son - that one was a car accident - drunk driver. I should have been there with them. Should have been able to protect them, but I was too worried about the farm work."

Calvin stopped, unsure of what to say. For awhile, there was silence in the room. Calvin remembered the glimmer of light inside of him that he had sensed when he met Jensen. He was here and wanted help. He knew he had to talk about that night. He contemplated it. He didn't want to. The emotions stopped swirling and one remained; guilt. It was his fault his dad had died - his fault that Mary and Benji had too. It was his fault that Snow had died. He wasn't sure why Snow's death had caused him to break but it had. He had to tell her about it, but would she believe him.

Alex started to break the silence to ask another question. Calvin interjected, "I'm sorry -I think I should tell you more, if that's okay."
Alex motioned for him to continue.

"The night it really started. A friend of mine was hurt by someone. I became angry. I contemplated some really bad things that night. I couldn't follow through - I'm glad I didn't - but I should have been able to help. I should have been able to stop it."
Calvin's voice was rising in volume. It hurt to talk about it. He wanted to cry and the tears started. Calvin wiped his eyes.

"Something happened that day doctor. Something broke. That night I went to a bar and started drinking - a lot - not beer - whiskey. I left that night with a prostitute."
The guilt was continuing to eat at him. The tears were coming pretty steadily and his breathing more labored. "That's when I found out sex helped too. After that it was drinking, parties, and sex. I woke up next to so many women I don't remember meeting. Then I started fighting. I don't remember most of those either. Just the bruises after. One day I woke up in a jail cell. I don't even know what I did. I don't want to do it. I don't want to hurt people. What's wrong with me? Why do the people I love always get hurt?"

The words poured from his as steady as the tears. After it started he just didn't stop. Calvin expected to feel pain, and it was there, sharp as a knife in his gut. But there was something else - relief. The whole ordeal was out although he hadn't spoken of the wolves or his ability. She would think he was crazy.

Calvin wiped his eyes again. "I'm sorry - I didn't mean to get carried away there."
This man was playing the blame game. He was blaming himself for things he had no control over. The world gave him loss and he self destructs. Alex wasn't sure what help she could offer other than the ability to talk it out to offer advice.

"You know none of that is your fault. You didn't kill your mother. You didn't give your father the alcohol or the means to kill himself. You didn't hit your family with the car. Did you hurt your friend? You didn't do questionable things despite your desire to do so. Each of these things you feel guilty over for what reason? Did you have a cure for your mother's illness and not give it to her? Did you put the proverbial gun in your father's hand? Did you tell the driver of the car your family's itinerary? None of this is your fault, there was no thing you could have done. The sooner you realize this the sooner you will get better. Accept that you got lemons. Now make lemonade from it. Live your life, don't wallow in grief."

Alex frowned. "I know this is harsh, but reality is harsh. Life is not fair, nor is it easy. You don't strike me as the type of man who's normally depressed. Your grief is just that grief. There are stages to it. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance."

Alex smiled at him. "Sounds like you are near an end. But there is no medication in the world that can make you feel better. It's something you have to come to terms with. Talk it out. Why do you feel guilty in all of these cases? If your mother died of cancer, maybe you need to make a donation to the cure, or maybe spend some time with other's like your mother. Give them a helping hand. Find a kid who's parent has just died. Give him some help. Be there for them. That's a two fold thing, it can help you heal with the loss of your family. Do something to release your guilt."

Alex paused hoping it would sink in. "Why are you feeling guilty?"

The explanation was simple and made sense. The question itself was even simpler, and Calvin found he had no answer for it. Nothing that stuck anyways. If so, then why did he hurt so much. What had caused it. It made him confused, but the emotions were no longer swirling in his head.

"I guess it was that...I should have done something. With my dad - I should have tried to help him, but I didn't."
With the answer in his hand though, the old Calvin began to speak through the mental fog - telling him he did everything he knew he could. Dr. Pirozzi's words really began to sink in. She had been harsh, but truthful.

"I guess...when I think about it...I really did all I knew how to, and there's nothing I could have done to stop the car crash. I didn't hurt my friend either - at least at first - I've really avoided her since that night - thinking that she hates me for it."

Calvin remained silent for awhile. "I guess now the only thing I feel guilty about - at least that I should feel guilty about - is what I've become now. Right now Doctor...i'm only thinking about how ashamed they would be of me."

It was a lie - well - not the complete truth. There was guilt - guilt over losing control. It was why he had wanted to kill that night. It was why he had become a vigilante. He had given into the wolf. The strange thing was that he had felt in control during those times - he was just now seeing how out of control he was. He couldn't tell her - she would think he was crazy.

Christ, she probably already thinks that I'm crazy. he thought, putting his head in his hands as he contemplated telling her, and thinking of how he would say it. He felt guilty about losing control.

Calvin sighed. "I can't believe I'm telling you this - you're going to think I'm nuts."
Calvin pulled out his Wallet and keyed up an article on the Wolfman - the first one - and slid it over the desk. "That's me."

As she looked it over, Calvin pulled out the contacts case and removed his contacts, revealing the golden eyes underneath. He waited for her to look up before speaking. "I can talk to wolves, Doctor. I don't know if you'll believe me or not, but it's true. With it comes a struggle - a struggle for your own humanity. Each time that happened,"
he pointed at the Wallet, "I went through that struggle, and I lost. That, doctor, is another reason why I feel guilty. You're the first person that I've told this who doesn't share my abilities."

He felt the burden lift off of him. He could see clearly. He knew why Dawn Wind had called him a pup so much. He really did know nothing about his abilities or how to handle them. It was the root of the problem. He needed to get this under control.

"That night - the night I started drinking. I lost control. I wanted to kill the man responsible doctor. I'm glad I didn't - so glad I didn't - but the struggle is there. I don't know if you can help me with this. I really don't. I hope you can because I don't want to lose myself. I'm a good man, doctor, deep down I know that. Is there anything you can do? At least with the alcohol problem."
Alex was surprised when he claimed to be the vigilante known as the wolfman. It was one thing to know about someone's past but to have someone admit to being one was something Alex wasn't sure how to handle. She was a cop and a doctor, and there were two completely different things running through her head.

But he had come her for help. Unless it became a problem she'd keep his secret. The golden eyes were rather a shock. She'd heard of wolf men before, but they were scary tales of men who ate flesh, walked on all fours and were pretty much not human. This man was only wolf in terms of his eyes, and then his emotions made sense. The instinct and the human nature fighting and warring with one another.

Alex smiled. "We all have our little mysteries and secrets."

Alex thought about it, she wasn't sure she could help him. But if he learned control maybe that would be good. "I don't know if I can help you control yourself, but you need to come to terms with what you are, remove the guilt you feel and deal with what's going on in front of you instead of hiding in the bottle."

"AA meetings are a good first step. I will listen to your problems. I can't do much more than listen and maybe offer suggestions. But my biggest suggestion is for you to find others like you and learn from them. Going it alone will make things harder. If you are anything like a wolf, you'll thrive in a pack. The lone wolf only works so far."
Instinct against humanity. It was the fight going on inside of him. Instinct had driven his actions - instinct to bury the pain and instinct to lash out at others. It was this that Calvin had to get control of. Even though he felt like an animal, and that bestial nature inside of him pushed that feeling, he was a human being and needed to learn how to control it. It was a part of him - and he had to turn that curse into a blessing.

Calvin sat in silence for awhile. Alex was good at what she did. For the first time in a long time, the fog in his head was lifting and he could see things a little clearer than usual. He thought about what she had told him. He let it truly sink in. The effort reminded him of his wolf name and what it meant. Calvin realized then how much he missed Dawn Wind.

A pack - Alex said he needed one. He would have to talk with Sierra. Hopefully she would forgive him. Part of him still blamed himself for Snow, and he should have been there for her. Instead he had abandoned her because of his own pain. He had been selfish and hopefully she would forgive him for it.

Inside, he began to feel calm. It was a relief. Calvin began to digest her words. They began to make sense and he felt like he had a clear path to recovery. It might be difficult, but it would happen. It was also a relief that she had believed him. Calvin's thoughts went to Alex's smile and her talk of everyone having secrets. Whether or not she was hinting that she had some sort of supernatural power like his own. He was curious about it and wondered if she was one of the powerful two-legs or something different. Perhaps he was reading too much into it though.

After a long silence, Calvin spoke. "Thank you, doctor. You've given me a lot to think about, and I feel a lot better. I can see things a little better now too, and I think you've given me really good suggestions. I'll follow them. Do you know of any AA meetings that are happening - if not I should be able to find them, but I'd like to get started right away. I'm afraid if I put it off for too long...I'll..."

Calvin didn't finish the sentence, but it was obvious where he was going. Instead he changed subjects. "I've seen what happens to people like me...when the wolf really takes over. I don't want that to happen to me. I'd like to keep coming to talk if that's okay. Maybe just to go over my progress or vent or anything. I don't want to waste your time Doctor, but if it's okay, I'd like to keep seeing you. Talking today helped more than I thought it would."
The request was sincere, but Calvin's thoughts turned towards the nightmare he had - it had been real and he had the scars to prove it. She believed him about the wolf, and he wondered if she would believe him about the dream and the nightmare.

Calvin steeled himself. "I have something else - you know about nightmares. Have you ever heard about them hurting people - like physically?"

Edited by Calvin, Jan 8 2015, 04:54 PM.
Alex nodded. "Here is a good reputable one. I know many who do well with their many meetings to accommodate any schedule."
Alex handed him a card with the name of the man in charge of the meetings at the Church of Immaculate Conception. While it was a part of the church it wasn't run by a priest but another recovering addict. Hopefully Calvin would find a good fit there.

As to him seeing her that was no problem. "You are free to see me anytime. You can make a standing appointment or you can stop in when you need to. The ladies at the reception desk know my hours and let you know when I'm here."
Alex handed him her card as well.

"I am glad to see tat you have made some progress, or at least have a direction, but no I've never heard of a nightmare hurting someone physically. But when it comes to the weird and unexplanable I am but a mere novice. There are those out there that could help you, but you might not like the help they offer. Sadly I do not have any contact information for the only person I know who might be able to assist if your dreams are truly hurting you. Wolfmen, dreams that hurt, it's all so very new to me."

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