Venturing Out and Trying Not To Freak Out

[Cadence]

((Continued from here))

Cadence was covered as much as she could be. That was the nice thing about winter was that it was easy to hide your appearance.  It wasn't that Cadence didn't like her fans seeing her.  The issue was she was close to having anxiety and panic attacks that the attention might trigger it.  It was a miracle she had left the house in general.  She wore a thick coat and a scarf covered the lower part of her face and nose.  She wore a hat as well.  She found herself at the GUM, and was going to spend the day looking at stores, not really planning to buy anything at all.

She found herself in a bookstore and began to peruse the stacks.  Perhaps she would buy a book after all.  She was in the sci/fi-fantasy section, and saw lots of familiar titles.  Tolkien had never lost it's luster - even after nearly a century.  She saw the Ender books by Orson Scott Card as well.  Star Wars books were still a thing.  Cadence smiled beneath her scarf, feeling better as she thought of how these books told of a magic and wonders.  She knew that magic existed.  Some of the technology in the sci-fi stuff existed, but still - not as much as they thought. 

It was strange what brought people out of their funks.  For Cadence, merely looking at books had made her feel good.  She took her scarf down, feeling hot, and willing to engage with fans if she saw them, but she continued to look through the books, wondering what book she could start.

[Cadence]

Cadence left the bookstore with a book she had purchased simply because the girl on the cover looked cool. Feeling better than she had all day, she quit looking down and began to look around. It was Christmas time and the shopping mall reflected that. The stores were decorated and in the main foyer, a large tree stood, decorated with lights.

Cadence smiled - a real genuine smile that was rare outside of her performances. She took out her wallet to text Stephanie, thanking her for the encouragement to go out and telling her she was much better now. She also saw a message from her manager saying they had hired a security detail for her. Cadence would respond to that later. After all it was her manager who told her to take a day off. She heard the song as she kept walking forward.

Cadence approached the music and noticed what appeared to be a group of school kids singing carols to the shoppers as they passed. The spirit of the holiday filled Cadence with joy. Most shoppers passed by. It was a common occurrence at these mall performances. Most who stood watching were probably parents of the kids singing. Cadence took a seat and listened, applauding as the choir finished their song.

[Ilesha]

The holidays were always a big thing at her home. But she wasn't home so the choir singing made Ilesha sad. It wasn't that she missed home. She missed the family get togethers that only happened once a year. She wouldn't be making it back, work was busy. And so was school. Not that she didn't have the month off but she had her own research to do, and then there was the garage, she had started working on other's motorcycles to help pass the time.

Ilesha stood and watched the carolers. It was surprising what traditions were around the world -- probably thanks to TV and the internet.

There was another person sitting and watching. "They are pretty good for kids."

[Cadence]

The carolors looked to be late elementary or early middle school. They were about the age that Cadence was when she was ending her foster care journey and beginning her life with her moms. That first Christmas with them had been confusing for her. It was the first time she had gotten a gift from the heart. The second one had been much better. She had discovered music by then and had led the three in singing Christmas songs.

Cadence jumped in her seat as the woman spoke to her her, startling her out of her memories. Cadence was surprised that some tears had fallen, but they weren’t of sadness. She felt nothing but joy for those celebrations with her family. Her fingers began to twist the rings on her fingers - one on the left hand and two on the right, as her anxiety began to flare up. Thankfully this was a conversation she could have pretty easily without panicking.

”Yeah they’re pretty good,” she said, smiling. ”But more important -look at how happy they are to be singing. That’s what it’s about right there.”

Cadence watched and a girl in the group turned to look at them. Cadence caught the double take as the girl noticed her and Cadence gave her a little wave. The girl smiled.

[Ilesha]

The woman next to her jumped at the sound of her voice. She hadn't meant to startle her. But despite the anxious twirling of the ring on her finger Ilesha listened to the response and nodded.

It seemed one of the girls knew her, waved and she waved back. "Family?" she asked as she sat down next to the woman, hoping to ease some of the tension. "I was never really into the whole choir thing. But I think you are right as long as you are having fun."

She wasn't much of a singer, but humming had a place in her heart and with her power.

[Cadence]

Cadence smiled at the newcomer. It was refreshing to see someone who didn’t know who she was off the bat. The woman seemed to be her age, so she fit into the gap of people who may have listened to her music, but at the same time not. She tended to attract a slightly younger crowd though. There were if course all sorts of people and some just didn’t listen to hear style, and that was just fine. All had their own tastes.

”No, not family,” Cadence said, not elaborating more yet. ”Thats what it’s about, whether your in a choir, band, or singing in the shower, it’s about bringing people together and…”

She trailed off as her internal dialogue took over.

You’re supposed to talk about what’s interesting to them. She started the conversation, so she wants to talk about it. She’s just being polite. Polite - she probably doesn’t even want to talk to you. Well she came over her to talk…

The argument continued in her head and Cadence found her light, and needing it right now, she embraced it. Filled with that glow and warmth she was able to regain control.

Stop it! I want this! she mentally told her anxiety, and surprisingly, the internal argument stopped.

The whole sequence had taken about a second. ”Im sorry, I could talk about that kind of stuff all day.” she said facing the woman and trying to remember the steps her and her therapist had gone through. First introduce yourself and offer your hand if you’re comfortable. ”My name is Candence.” she offered the woman her hand.

[Ilesha]

Ilesha smiled as she recognized the glow around the woman, Cadence, she grinned almost like she'd found a sister. It had been a while since she'd met anyone else new who could do what she did. "Ilesha. So popular singer/songwriter. I bet these kids would be thrilled to have you listening." It had only taken the name and the popular wave for her to figure it out. Not her type of music, but there was nothing against it.

Ilesha started humming along with the music and embraced her own glow, she didn't do anything with it other than show the woman she was a sister. "I know a few others like us, if you ever want to meet others. Music isn't really my thing, but it takes a little humming to do what I can do. My talents are a bit more mechanical." Mechanical engineering was her strong suit, and she was working on a few things for the CCD that she couldn't talk about, but there were always her baby that had finally made it to Moscow.

[Cadence]

Cadence smiled at Ilesha's comment. "At least one knows," she said, referring to the girl she had waved at. "I told you, not family."

Ilesha started humming with the music - in tune - which made Cadence smile broaden, but her eyes widened as the woman next to her glowed and told her about her gift.  "I've never met anyone who could do it too...ummm...I used to have to feel guilty to use it, but I don't anymore.  Maybe someday you won't need to hum."

The song ended and Cadence applauded.  The group broke up and Cadence noticed that the girl who had waved was talking to what appeared to be her mother. A few looks her way confirmed that the girl wanted to come over here.  Cadence braced herself as the girl and her mother came over.

"Miss Cadence," the girl said. "Ummm...my name is Emma, and I was wondering if I could get a picture with you." the girl was so adorable.

"Excuse me for a moment," she said to Ilesha. Turning to Emma she continued. "Only if she says it's okay," she said pointing to the girls guardian.  Cadence wasn't really sure if it was her mother or not, and being a former orphan, she generally didn't guess.  When she had permission, she turned back to the girl. "Alright Emma, what kind of picture do you want - serious, silly, or something else."

The girl thought for a moment and then spoke, "The Love and Peace album cover!"

Cadence smiled, got next to the girl and did the pose she had done for her second album's cover - a big grin with a peace sign shown on the hand.  The girl imitated it, and the picture was taken.  Emma gave her a hug, thanking Cadence for her time.

"You are very welcome! Happy holidays to you!" she said and repeated the words for the guardian.

Cadence was in a good mood today, and that helped with the anxiety.  Also kids were a lot easier for her to deal with than adults.  Cadence turned back to Ilesha. "Thanks for that," Emma had turned to wave again and Cadence waved back. Ilesha had mentioned meeting others.  Could she have found a friend, and others besides that.  Her fingers went back to her rings again, trying to find words to say.  Words from her therapist came back to her, reminding her that it was okay to tell others that you struggled, but could she trust this person. Cadence felt she could, and she wanted to. "Ummm...as for meeting others...maybe slowly...see," she looked down wondering why this was so hard. "I'm fine on stage, but I get really anxious in situations like this."

Cadence felt like a weight had been lifted, and at this moment felt incredibly proud of herself.  It wasn't easy to reveal this to anyone, and yet she had done it.  She had stepped up.  She only hoped she hadn't screwed everything up.

[Ilesha]

Ilesha watched as the star did her thing. It wouldn't be the first time she'd encountered a celebrity, living in New York she'd seen her fair share, and Moscow had a few. Though she'd never actually talked to any of them.

When Cadence returned she confided in Ilesha, she smiled back. "I'm not much of a people person myself. Usually better with machines than man. But the girls are wonderful, and they'll let you be a wallflower. God knows not a single one of them are, even Sterling who's like 14."

Ilesha kept a few of the club cards on hand. "I know what you will think. A burlesque club? Go to the side door, ask for Juls and they'll love you to bits. It's like a whole family there. And some of us need that." Ilesha handed the card to Cadence. "Only if you want to. But I don't know any other way to break through than to force yourself past the barriers. It took me a long time to get used to openly walking up to the club and feeling like I belonged once I did. I get the anxiety. I talk too much, end up going round and round. Like now." Not that she had anything to be anxious about this was just a general trip out and about. Nothing fancy. And there wasn't anyone watching her -- at least not specifically her.

[Cadence]

Cadence breathed a bit. Ilesha wasn’t scared away by her anxiety. She actually echoed some of her therapists words about just breaking though the blocks sometimes. It was so hard to do because it was scary. She thought everyone was always going to abandon her somewhere.

Cadence took the offered card. Kallisti House of Burlesque. It certainly wasn’t somewhere she’d go on her own. Not that she disapproved of such things - it just wasn’t her thing. But there were channelers there. And she could learn. She wanted to go, but was scared to. But she had to try.

”Would you take me there?” she said still looking down at the card. ”If I go alone I might not, but if a…” she trailed off before saying the word friend - afraid that saying it would result in an immediate rejection. Cadence looked up to meet Ilesha’s eyes. ”Please. she wasn’t sure if the please was for the request of friendship or accompanying her to Kallisti. Maybe it was both.