What Wouldn't I Give

[Raffe]

He was surprised Nox accepted the help, but not disappointed. Though he quickly realised the man was way more wobbly that he’d suspected, or his bravado had let on. A small frown tugged when Nox ended up back on the edge of the bed, and he didn’t try to disguise his worry. “If he is, Carmen will let him in, or one of the other girls will,” he said. “If not I’ll find him when I head back.” It had the ring of a promise; the attempt anyway, because if the dog had not returned to the club by now then Raffe had little idea where to even start looking. But he’d try, that much was assured.

He sat close, by instinct as much as desire. Everything had a clinical smell but something stirred the memory of the bed they’d shared anyway. It had been nice waking up to the press of warm skin and mussed blankets, nicer than it should have been considering all they’d done was sleep. He didn’t want to think about whatever poison scared Nox enough to have his own arm severed just to mitigate the risk of infection, but it kept creeping in anyway. Dorian was still speaking with the doctors. He wasn’t sure if was a good sign or not.

A second attempt at standing seemed to have less vigor. Raffe gave a lopsided smile as he propped Nox up. “Since when did that ever stop you?” he leaned in to ask, part tease and part accusation, though given the struggle just to stand he was probably right. Then, a moment later, he added, somewhat hesitantly, as if the thought was still forming. “Oriena knows someone to do with some underground fight club. He healed this.” He pressed his fingers against the raised scar. The badly part was unspoken, but it had still saved his life. “If you think it would help with the, uh. With the possible infection, I can find out more.”

[Nox]

A small moment of releif flooded Nox as Raffe said he'd find Nova. But really, Nova was fine. At least that was the lie he told himself. There were flashes of memories in those moments. One of Nova flying past him in the grips of one of those things. But the darkness threatened to shake Nox to his core and he pushed it away as he wobbled again even while holding on to Raffe's arm. It wasn't going to work.

But even though Raffe's tease was absolutely on point Nox leaned into Raffe's side and shook his head. "I think it's a bit too early for walking." A wave of nausea passed through Nox and he pressed his forehead into Raffe's shoulder trying to catch his breathe and stave away the pain induced nausea. It felt like the arm was still there, and it hurt like a mother fucker. "At least I tried." Nox spoke through clenched teeth.

Raffe's offer of healing was genuine and Nox really thought about it. But he knew a guy who knew a guy wasn't the best of references. Even though he knew Oriena knew a lot of people. A lot of people. Nox found it funny that the one of the first people he met in Moscow who he was pretty sure hadn't really liked the cocky asshole she'd met was the one person who he had turned to in his darkest days. It hadn't been intentional. It wasn't like he knew at the start of meeting Carmen that she worked for Oriena. But it wasn't a secret at the club.

The feeling hadn't gone away but Nox stood straigter and ran his fingers over the scar with a tender caress. "I'm glad it saved you, but he didn't know what he was doing." Nox reached across the sludge in his mind and pulled the power to him, and he mimicked the weave Manix had once shown him for a minor cut. Raffee couldn't see it, but Nox had only ever shown Cruz the weave under promise he wouldn't experiment on people with it. "I know a weave to do it, but I wouldn't dare and we can't heal our selves. I'll heal naturally, and I'll see if Jensen can do something about the infection.

Nox's fingers lingered at Raffe's neck touching the edges of the scar lightly. "I think I get why chicks dig scars." Nox winked with a pain filled smile.

[Raffe]

Raffe steadied Nox with his other hand, shifting to take his weight in the event his balance crumbled. His expression was solemn, the concern tight in his eyes. Sometimes he wished he was better at concealing his emotions; Nox hardly needed to see his own doubts reflected back at him. But it was shitty to see him so weak. “I’ve got you,” he said when Nox grimaced into his shoulder. His own muscles clenched like he might siphon some of that pain. “You need more morphine?”

He wasn’t surprised the offer was declined, not considering the example sitting right before him. Little feeling existed in the thick scarring, so that Raffe could barely feel the trace of Nox’s fingers when he straightened to stand unaided. Despite that numbness it did not leave him unaffected, but the search of his returned gaze was interrupted, then, by something harsher. 

For a moment it was like oppression stepped into the room with them; such a bad feeling that Raffe actually swallowed against the force of it, half expecting the doctor and Dorian to return that instant with bad news. He glanced at the door, but it wasn’t that. He realised it wasn’t the first time he’d felt it either, but shrugged away from the unsettling thought almost as soon as it occurred to him.

He didn’t know who Jensen was, and presumed the acquaintance of another channeler. Rather the man came now if he could help, and he was about to suggest as much when he was distracted by the second touch. This time he felt it meltingly warm, where the scar met skin. The first tugs of a smile softened his lips, suspecting it for a smoke screen, but glad to be the distraction anyway. He turned inwards, one hand bracing above Nox’s hip so he didn’t fall. That teeth-clenched pain hadn’t been so long ago. “Maybe you should sit back down,” he laughed. The guy was in a hospital bed. But despite the advice he didn’t guide him back down, and his impish grin didn’t fade.

[Nox]

The words felt right. The hands felt even better. And Raffe was right, he should sit down, but if he sat down Raffe would stop touching him and right now it was the only thought in his head. He was alone, no sister, no echos of things just a soft moment, the dark light breaking through the sludge but just barely. Clear thoughts was something Nox couldn't have with drugs. He wondered if that was the sludge he had to wade through, but doubted it highly. It felt unnatural, not drug induced.

Nox didn't want the moment to end, standing there with Raffe's hands at his hips and the single lonely hand resting against Raffe's chest. So close he could almost kiss him. "If I sit down, this will end." His soft voice came out more breathy with need and want. Nox had never been that touchy feely guy, but with Raffe things were always a little different. The echo's were quiet, but Raffe's touch roused them still but they weren't in control and easy to block out.

The moment was interrupted by the quiet sound of fireworks popping from his wallet. A slow smile spread across Nox's lips and he closed the distance and brushed his lips against Raffe's. He'd promised Raffe it was his call, but Nox couldn't pass the momentary courage up. The reminder that liking a boy didn't have to end in disaster. The incoming text was from Jay. He was either dead and some poor soul took pity on Nox and was informing him, or Jay was alright. The latter was the one Nox chose to focus on, or rather the one he'd hold close to his heart. But there was another man currently on his mind and Jay could wait. The ring tone an homage to their place of birth and the independence it celebrated however long ago it had happened. Just like Nox was finally free of the Atharim... but freedom comes at a price and Nox hoped he didn't push that price over on to Raffe just by association.

[Raffe]

“Just don’t fall,” he murmured, but he was more aware of their proximity than the fading whisper of his own concern. The moment captured him whole-heartedly. His palms splayed, feeling the heat of skin beneath the hospital gown as Nox leaned closer, and everything else receded a little, until he barely had sense to register the pop of fireworks moments before Nox’s lips brushed his like a question. His heart beat stupidly fast, savouring the simplicity of it for a breath before he responded. Raffe’s kiss was sweet, but it wasn’t hesitant, and his mouth smiled around it. The grip of his hands tightened, but it was he who stepped closer, rather than pulling Nox off balance.

He was still grinning when he pulled back a fraction for air. Not that he had any intention of moving away, but he was mindful that Nox could barely stand. His laugh was breathy and charmed, close enough to taste. “Did I hear fireworks? Not being cheesy. I really thought I did.”

[Nox]

There was nothing dark in the reaches of his mind as Raffe kissed him back. Alone in his own head seemed simple for once. But the kiss ended and Nox wanted more. Though Raffe's concerned question made Nox chucckle. He didn't want to move, their lips still so close, their bodies even closer than before. It wouldn't take much for Nox to change the state of his clothes, but they were in a room with a door wide open and windows and anyone could walk in at any time. So Nox pushed his thoughts to the fireworks. "You had to ruin my ego with that one huh?'

Nox nodded towards his wallet sitting on the bed where he'd left it after sending Sterlling the last text. He realized he hadn't read her last one. And he wasn't sure he was going to. "Just a text from Jay. He's alright, so he can wait on me now. 'Specially since I have a cute boy to kiss on." Nox grinned at Raffe leaning back just far enough to shake the fallen strands from his eyes. He didn't want to move his hand from where it pressed against Raffe's collar bone. Hell he didn't want to move at all. But he knew as the pain got worse so would his ability to stand and as much as the pain killers helped numb the pain, it also numbed the body and the mind. And Nox didn't want to become his father.

The movement caused more pain and Nox ground his teeth, biting back the pain taking the few steps back to at least lean against the bed, but his fist in Raffe's shirt meant to keep the man close. Nox spoke softly, "What I wouldn't give to be home with you in a real bed."

[Raffe]

He laughed a little, but barely glanced at the wallet. Warmth crinkled the edges of his eyes. He was barely catching the flurry of different names, but it didn’t much matter; Nox was always going to have that other life. He was still breathing deeply; still trying to catch the fluttering in his chest, and maybe think about locking it back up. It wasn’t like he’d forgotten Nox’s warning, but it was difficult to hold on to it when the man was so close and looking at him like that.

He shifted forward when Nox stepped back, the other man’s hand tangled up in the front of his shirt. Not like he minded, but he did wonder if he could tell how hard it was beating in there. Raffe tried not to dwell on the grit teeth, though it made him wish there was something he could do to help. Something other than the distraction. He leaned close anyway, grinning like the fool he was. His forehead pressed close, voice low. The word home stupidly made his heart skip a beat. “Best you focus on getting better then, eh? I’m not going anywhere.”

[Nox]

But you will. echoed in Nox's head. He didn't know if it was his own errant thought. Or some voice he didn't know about. It didn't matter he wasn't going to listen to it. Raffe was here now, and now is what mattered. The future wasn't guaranteed. It was something he had learned young. Even before watching his mother die right in front of him by unseen claws, even before that moment changed his life forever. But every moment changed your life forever, even this one as simple and sappy as it was. It would change the way things were.

Nox let those words sink in. Forced himself to think about what it meant. "I'm counting on that." he whispered, Raffe wasn't going anywhere. Which was more true than anything. He was at Kallisti first, his family first, his home first. Nox couldn't help the terror and the darkness that came next. The feeling of loneliness. But Raffe wasn't gone, he was here. Nox pressed his lips against Raffe's again, more hungry more needy this time than the last. He needed to remind himself of the things he had, not the the things he lost. He was alive and that was what counted. He was alive.

There was shouting down the hall. "What do you mean it's gone?"

[Dorian]

Rough edges were hardly the least of the things Nox has caused. His causal way of handling things stuck him in quarantine and the only thing Dorian could do was stall him from the immediate enclosure. Talking with the doctor they'd agreed to look into the possible pathogen themselves.

The man called down to the the lab and was nodding and making hmming sounds but he said nothing more than a mere whisper. Dorian knew something was wrong. Dorian stood by waiting, tapping his foot impatiently. Whatever was happening made the doctor frown. He hung up and started towards Nox's room. "What's wrong?" Dorian grabbed the man's arm and he stopped and glared at him.

"It seems the blood sample was never taken. All this fuss for nothing."

The nurse growled, "I know they took it doctor I watched them take the blood."

Dorian frowned. "And the records of the draw and receipt."

The doctor shook his head. "Gone."

"What do you mean it's gone?' Dorian shouted. "You don't know what you are dealing with here and you lost a potential pathogen?" But his anger was lost on the doctor as he pulled free of Dorian's grip and headed for Nox's room. This was such a cluster fuck! Dorian stopped and pulled his wallet from his pocket and made a few phone calls. His family might hate him, but they all liked Nox. Cruz would help.

[Raffe]

There was that sadness again, piercing like clouds on a clear day. Raffe’s smile slipped as dramatically as it rose like the sun. He’d spoken bits and pieces of his own past, but not the detail. Fact was he knew what it was like to feel alone, and if he’d found cracks and crevices out of that dark pit, he remembered all too well what it was like to feel lost in it. So this time when concern pinched his brow there was something haunted in it, sparking recognition for what he saw like a trapped prism of light.

Need tingled his skin when Nox’s lips pressed a second time, far more urgently. Like pouring yourself into a hole you knew you’d never fill, and Raffe gave freely. There wasn’t much distance left to bridge, but his body closed what remained of it now. With the bed to brace them one hand snaked to the other man’s jaw, and if he was aware of shouting he gave no sign of it.