01-07-2015, 01:26 PM
Her next question helped. She asked for a specific event - he didn't want to talk about that day with Sierra. That's when it had started. He grasped onto the word family. He could talk about his family at least. It was a part of it anyway. With the single word, he could move through the fog more easily.
"My mother died when I was in my early twenties. My dad committed suicide a year later. I should have seen it. I knew he was upset. I wasn't good enough to stop it."
Calvin's voice stayed remarkably calm. Inside he was being torn apart.
"Then my wife and son - that one was a car accident - drunk driver. I should have been there with them. Should have been able to protect them, but I was too worried about the farm work."
Calvin stopped, unsure of what to say. For awhile, there was silence in the room. Calvin remembered the glimmer of light inside of him that he had sensed when he met Jensen. He was here and wanted help. He knew he had to talk about that night. He contemplated it. He didn't want to. The emotions stopped swirling and one remained; guilt. It was his fault his dad had died - his fault that Mary and Benji had too. It was his fault that Snow had died. He wasn't sure why Snow's death had caused him to break but it had. He had to tell her about it, but would she believe him.
Alex started to break the silence to ask another question. Calvin interjected, "I'm sorry -I think I should tell you more, if that's okay."
Alex motioned for him to continue.
"The night it really started. A friend of mine was hurt by someone. I became angry. I contemplated some really bad things that night. I couldn't follow through - I'm glad I didn't - but I should have been able to help. I should have been able to stop it."
Calvin's voice was rising in volume. It hurt to talk about it. He wanted to cry and the tears started. Calvin wiped his eyes.
"Something happened that day doctor. Something broke. That night I went to a bar and started drinking - a lot - not beer - whiskey. I left that night with a prostitute."
The guilt was continuing to eat at him. The tears were coming pretty steadily and his breathing more labored. "That's when I found out sex helped too. After that it was drinking, parties, and sex. I woke up next to so many women I don't remember meeting. Then I started fighting. I don't remember most of those either. Just the bruises after. One day I woke up in a jail cell. I don't even know what I did. I don't want to do it. I don't want to hurt people. What's wrong with me? Why do the people I love always get hurt?"
The words poured from his as steady as the tears. After it started he just didn't stop. Calvin expected to feel pain, and it was there, sharp as a knife in his gut. But there was something else - relief. The whole ordeal was out although he hadn't spoken of the wolves or his ability. She would think he was crazy.
Calvin wiped his eyes again. "I'm sorry - I didn't mean to get carried away there."
"My mother died when I was in my early twenties. My dad committed suicide a year later. I should have seen it. I knew he was upset. I wasn't good enough to stop it."
Calvin's voice stayed remarkably calm. Inside he was being torn apart.
"Then my wife and son - that one was a car accident - drunk driver. I should have been there with them. Should have been able to protect them, but I was too worried about the farm work."
Calvin stopped, unsure of what to say. For awhile, there was silence in the room. Calvin remembered the glimmer of light inside of him that he had sensed when he met Jensen. He was here and wanted help. He knew he had to talk about that night. He contemplated it. He didn't want to. The emotions stopped swirling and one remained; guilt. It was his fault his dad had died - his fault that Mary and Benji had too. It was his fault that Snow had died. He wasn't sure why Snow's death had caused him to break but it had. He had to tell her about it, but would she believe him.
Alex started to break the silence to ask another question. Calvin interjected, "I'm sorry -I think I should tell you more, if that's okay."
Alex motioned for him to continue.
"The night it really started. A friend of mine was hurt by someone. I became angry. I contemplated some really bad things that night. I couldn't follow through - I'm glad I didn't - but I should have been able to help. I should have been able to stop it."
Calvin's voice was rising in volume. It hurt to talk about it. He wanted to cry and the tears started. Calvin wiped his eyes.
"Something happened that day doctor. Something broke. That night I went to a bar and started drinking - a lot - not beer - whiskey. I left that night with a prostitute."
The guilt was continuing to eat at him. The tears were coming pretty steadily and his breathing more labored. "That's when I found out sex helped too. After that it was drinking, parties, and sex. I woke up next to so many women I don't remember meeting. Then I started fighting. I don't remember most of those either. Just the bruises after. One day I woke up in a jail cell. I don't even know what I did. I don't want to do it. I don't want to hurt people. What's wrong with me? Why do the people I love always get hurt?"
The words poured from his as steady as the tears. After it started he just didn't stop. Calvin expected to feel pain, and it was there, sharp as a knife in his gut. But there was something else - relief. The whole ordeal was out although he hadn't spoken of the wolves or his ability. She would think he was crazy.
Calvin wiped his eyes again. "I'm sorry - I didn't mean to get carried away there."