Jacinda tilted her head in thought as she listened. Despite the outburst of emotion, Tenzin had a...quiet, settled nature. Clearly, it hid deep emotion far below. She imagined part of it was from where and how she grew up. Monasteries, villages and Lamas all conjured up visions of meditation and yoga and study. Sitting for hours in a lotus position chanting mantras. It was definitely not the kind of life she had lived. Oh, she had lots of down time. Quiet moments. Sleeping under the stars. Hiking through mountains. Driving for hours and days. Over the years she had developed her own worldview. Her own 'cowboy philosophy', as people called it. Those who rode the trail, especially before telecommunication made it possible to watch movies or speak to people from any location, had a lot of time to think. And more. Not that she wrote poetry or anything.
Still...she saw humanity in a war for survival- and they the ones keeping the monsters at bay. The stories Regan had told her had formed the basis of that view. The dangers posed by creatures like rougs, chupes, or oni. And those made sense. But others, the more human, that was harder. And so he hammered at that over and over again. Despite that first kill of the roug who killed her mom, it had taken some doing to get her to not empathize with some of the others. The ones who looked monstrous were easy. But the others...Yeah, she wasn't sure that ever went away. It was probably why she focused on the former. Harpies or quetzals.
Naga and wolfkin, singers and fawns. She was not exactly interested in hunting something whose only crime was that they danced well. Or liked plants. Not Regan though, from the way he kept trying to convince her. And now she knew why. True, she had encountered wolfkin a few times. Those could be rough. But most of the time they seemed to be like the occasional hermit you'd find living alone in a cabin. Maybe a bit off or wild. But that was about it. Not really things she bothered to chase down, not unless they were hurting people. Not when there were more dangerous things to hunt. She did have a code, after all.
Naga had never crossed her path. And given what Tenzin described- the Naga and the village- she was glad of it.
It all seemed so simplistic, that old view so childish, now that she thought about it with fresh eyes.
Of course, now that she knew what he had been- a real monster!- she shook her head, feeling so fucking stupid, angry at herself. Because Ten was right. "It is too easy, isn't it. Shoot first, ask questions later." She closed her eyes for a moment. Ooooh, Jacinda, the hunter. So fearless and independent. Never afraid to challenge any authority. And yet...she muttered softly, 'It never occurred to me to question- what Regan taught me." What a fucking moron!
But Ten didn't seemed bothered about her own situation growing up. Not at all. Jacinda wondered if she'd ever get to the point she could let it go. Move on at least. She'd like to. She looked at the woman, now seated on the floor across from her, knees nearly touching. Quiet stillness and peace radiated from her. It felt...familiar, reminded her of something buried deep. She wasn't sure what it was, though. Only that once again she felt a strange pull as she listened to her voice, saw the calm in those deep dark eyes. The irritation at her stupidity lessened, though didn't go away completely.
Ten's grin seemed to light up the room, perhaps because it was so rare. Her eyes seemed to dance. It was infectious. Jacinda couldn't help but smile back. "Well, I can write the Lamas for you.. Let 'em know." Her voice became high and sweet. "'Dear Mr. Lama. Tenzin wasn't actually falling asleep during your lessons. Instead, she's helping me be less of a bitch. Thank you for teaching her. Amen.'" Her grin widened and she touched Ten's knee for a moment.
But Tenzin's question about Nox cut short the levity. Channelers, yeah Regan talked about them, though they hadn't been around back then. She was suddenly curious as to why, but that was for another time. He had spoken at length of about them from the ancient stories. And it was true, from many of the things she had seen, they were terrifying. The massive damage done. Volodin had unleashed in a market place, killing people right and left. They were walking bombs. But for all the ones you heard of, what about the others. Again, something she had never thought of.
And yet for all that, the ones the Regus had ordered to be put down had seemed harmless. Were harmlesss. And if she was honest, Volodin had been a high level enforcer for one of the crime families. Not exactly a good guy, channeler or not. And yet he had thought he was helping her, there at the end. Instead of feeling bad, she had shrugged off her betrayal like it was no big deal.
Even worse, though, was it wasn't just them. Their family too. She felt a powerful sense of shame overwhelm her. It was not something she had done often. Indeed, only twice. And had been painless, she told herself at the time. Necessary, but still... Perhaps she had purposely avoided those kind of assignments for that reason. Found excuses to fail. Maybe. She hoped. She was deeply ashamed and disgusted with herself, at how blind she was.
She looked away. No. You did it, bitch! Own up to it! Answer the fucking question!, a voice railed at her inside her head. Her stubborn conscience seemed to have come back with a vengeance over the past few months. Especially now. She looked back, steeling herself to not flinch at the condemnation she knew she would see. That she deserved. Quietly, "No, Nox never hurt me." She clenched her jaw and forced herself on. "I knew him. From America. And he was a good kid. Never hurt anyone that I know of." God, this was so fucking bad. "He was a good hunter."
Why had she wanted to join the Archangels? Really. Why? She had been bored, maybe. Lonely, too. Being part of a team, however temporary, was always...well, not always fun, exactly. But she was part of something, for a while at least. And she was arrogant, she knew. Wanted to be a bad ass. Jacinda Cross, of the the 1st Canticle of the Archangels. Regus knew how titles worked, what they did. So stupid.
"But I was following orders. Not really thinking about it. He deserved better that what we gave him." She remembered the boy's smile from years ago. The desperate way he looked to his dad for...something. The guy was a dick. But despite that, he and Aurora had stuck to the cause. How long had he known he was a channeler and still fought for the good of humanity? Something Tenzin said clicked. "We protect good. Man is both. Spirit-touched is both."
She dropped her eyes. "We are all both." A seed of resolve sprouted. 'I should apologize to him. If I could do it without him taking my head off. No, even if he takes my head off. I deserve it. It doesn't...it doesn't undo what I did. Tried to do. But..." She shrugged. It was all she could do...well, actually!- "And the girl! She's related to him." Dark anger colored her face. Anger- and shame at her own past. "You know what that means."
Her face hardened in determination, jaw clenching, looking Tenzin in the eye with a vicious smile. "And it's not gonna happen."
Still...she saw humanity in a war for survival- and they the ones keeping the monsters at bay. The stories Regan had told her had formed the basis of that view. The dangers posed by creatures like rougs, chupes, or oni. And those made sense. But others, the more human, that was harder. And so he hammered at that over and over again. Despite that first kill of the roug who killed her mom, it had taken some doing to get her to not empathize with some of the others. The ones who looked monstrous were easy. But the others...Yeah, she wasn't sure that ever went away. It was probably why she focused on the former. Harpies or quetzals.
Naga and wolfkin, singers and fawns. She was not exactly interested in hunting something whose only crime was that they danced well. Or liked plants. Not Regan though, from the way he kept trying to convince her. And now she knew why. True, she had encountered wolfkin a few times. Those could be rough. But most of the time they seemed to be like the occasional hermit you'd find living alone in a cabin. Maybe a bit off or wild. But that was about it. Not really things she bothered to chase down, not unless they were hurting people. Not when there were more dangerous things to hunt. She did have a code, after all.
Naga had never crossed her path. And given what Tenzin described- the Naga and the village- she was glad of it.
It all seemed so simplistic, that old view so childish, now that she thought about it with fresh eyes.
Of course, now that she knew what he had been- a real monster!- she shook her head, feeling so fucking stupid, angry at herself. Because Ten was right. "It is too easy, isn't it. Shoot first, ask questions later." She closed her eyes for a moment. Ooooh, Jacinda, the hunter. So fearless and independent. Never afraid to challenge any authority. And yet...she muttered softly, 'It never occurred to me to question- what Regan taught me." What a fucking moron!
But Ten didn't seemed bothered about her own situation growing up. Not at all. Jacinda wondered if she'd ever get to the point she could let it go. Move on at least. She'd like to. She looked at the woman, now seated on the floor across from her, knees nearly touching. Quiet stillness and peace radiated from her. It felt...familiar, reminded her of something buried deep. She wasn't sure what it was, though. Only that once again she felt a strange pull as she listened to her voice, saw the calm in those deep dark eyes. The irritation at her stupidity lessened, though didn't go away completely.
Ten's grin seemed to light up the room, perhaps because it was so rare. Her eyes seemed to dance. It was infectious. Jacinda couldn't help but smile back. "Well, I can write the Lamas for you.. Let 'em know." Her voice became high and sweet. "'Dear Mr. Lama. Tenzin wasn't actually falling asleep during your lessons. Instead, she's helping me be less of a bitch. Thank you for teaching her. Amen.'" Her grin widened and she touched Ten's knee for a moment.
But Tenzin's question about Nox cut short the levity. Channelers, yeah Regan talked about them, though they hadn't been around back then. She was suddenly curious as to why, but that was for another time. He had spoken at length of about them from the ancient stories. And it was true, from many of the things she had seen, they were terrifying. The massive damage done. Volodin had unleashed in a market place, killing people right and left. They were walking bombs. But for all the ones you heard of, what about the others. Again, something she had never thought of.
And yet for all that, the ones the Regus had ordered to be put down had seemed harmless. Were harmlesss. And if she was honest, Volodin had been a high level enforcer for one of the crime families. Not exactly a good guy, channeler or not. And yet he had thought he was helping her, there at the end. Instead of feeling bad, she had shrugged off her betrayal like it was no big deal.
Even worse, though, was it wasn't just them. Their family too. She felt a powerful sense of shame overwhelm her. It was not something she had done often. Indeed, only twice. And had been painless, she told herself at the time. Necessary, but still... Perhaps she had purposely avoided those kind of assignments for that reason. Found excuses to fail. Maybe. She hoped. She was deeply ashamed and disgusted with herself, at how blind she was.
She looked away. No. You did it, bitch! Own up to it! Answer the fucking question!, a voice railed at her inside her head. Her stubborn conscience seemed to have come back with a vengeance over the past few months. Especially now. She looked back, steeling herself to not flinch at the condemnation she knew she would see. That she deserved. Quietly, "No, Nox never hurt me." She clenched her jaw and forced herself on. "I knew him. From America. And he was a good kid. Never hurt anyone that I know of." God, this was so fucking bad. "He was a good hunter."
Why had she wanted to join the Archangels? Really. Why? She had been bored, maybe. Lonely, too. Being part of a team, however temporary, was always...well, not always fun, exactly. But she was part of something, for a while at least. And she was arrogant, she knew. Wanted to be a bad ass. Jacinda Cross, of the the 1st Canticle of the Archangels. Regus knew how titles worked, what they did. So stupid.
"But I was following orders. Not really thinking about it. He deserved better that what we gave him." She remembered the boy's smile from years ago. The desperate way he looked to his dad for...something. The guy was a dick. But despite that, he and Aurora had stuck to the cause. How long had he known he was a channeler and still fought for the good of humanity? Something Tenzin said clicked. "We protect good. Man is both. Spirit-touched is both."
She dropped her eyes. "We are all both." A seed of resolve sprouted. 'I should apologize to him. If I could do it without him taking my head off. No, even if he takes my head off. I deserve it. It doesn't...it doesn't undo what I did. Tried to do. But..." She shrugged. It was all she could do...well, actually!- "And the girl! She's related to him." Dark anger colored her face. Anger- and shame at her own past. "You know what that means."
Her face hardened in determination, jaw clenching, looking Tenzin in the eye with a vicious smile. "And it's not gonna happen."