Ghost of Time

[Nika Raskov]

Nika stared at the ceiling, palms behind her head, trying but failing to rest. Months. It felt much longer but really it had only been months. What started as a long discovery meeting morphed into a late night engineering crisis, urgent computer modeling, hurried part printing and last minute tests. The near disaster had become a week of tense, sleepless, nonstop and all-in disaster prevention. 

A week incommunicado became two then three then a month of a habit broken. Nika was well into the flyaway races by then; races on the far side of home as the team stayed in South America, Australia, and New Zealand. Then her injury in Japan right before the month-long break.  

She remembered only being tucked in on the straight when a tiny spark just outside her field of vision grew into a brilliant crescendo. There was an echo of a crack just preceeding. An aperture of darkness overtook the bright before a pin prick of light appeared once more to reveal Liv's face. 

Only it hadn't been; the Japanese doctor didn't look anything like her. Eight more days were lost in the blink of an eye. Eight days and two surgeries for the swelling to go down.  

Nika had watched footage of herself sit up briefly after the brake pad's impact, before the Ducati veered casually toward the wall on the fastest part of the track. She too had held her breath as the clutch lever guard sparked at the swiping contact, red bike wobbling ominously in what normally would have ended in a terrible crash. Only, irrefutable visual and cataloged data saw the pilot open the throttle and stabilize the bike once more. She did not recall downshifting to naught or calmly lean the machine against the wall and dismount.  

Trackside media had sussed out what she'd kept repeating to the medical staff who'd sprinted toward her. “Tell Olivia I'm sorry.” Over and over regardless of the question as she was guided toward the emergency transport. Nika's earnest request drew agreement from the caretakers eventually and whatever part of her that had kept going finally shut down.  

Olivia.

Nika's eyes strayed back to her wallet. Guilt and regret that was enough to bubble from her subconscious when nothing else remained had not lessened at all since she'd been woken up.  

A message was already typed out on the screen and had been for a while now. There was something more here. A weight. Urgency? Desperation? She didn't know why or how but Nika knew without a doubt that this girl would change her life. It scared her more than anything. 

“I am so sorry I disappeared. Can I tell you that in person?”

She hit send.

[Liv]

Liv looked at the canvas, trying to be fair. The Mandala was symmetrical and the pencil design good. But that didn't mean the painting would be good. The pencil drawing was was just a skeleton. Clean lines, idealized, potential. Pretty.

But the paints, the whirl of colors and gradiation and connectivity is what brought life. "Living breathing work is what moves people. Anything less is just planning or hope." Leila of course. The hardest part of moving on was trying to deal with the good or real things she'd learned from her. Frankly, she still struggled with it. She'd have liked to throw everything away from her life with Laila. But somehow, she was realizing life was far more complicated. 

Which was all a bunch of avoidance. Nika. It was Nika she was frustrated at. But even that was wrong. It wasn't like they were dating. It wasn't like they were a couple. They'd been on two real dates. Held hands. Kissed once. And whlle it was clear they were both into each other, they also were doing this careful. Slowly.

And Nika had a life. Jeez, she raced motorcycles around the world. Was even famous, from what Grigor said. It wasn't like Liv owned her. It wasn't like she needed to check in.

And yet still Liv felt put out or hurt that it had been since Nika had reached out. Purposely, she had avoided asking her brother to see if there were any races or anything. He didnt know she had been out with Nika. After Laila, she wasn't about to introduce anyone else to her until she could be sure. Maybe it was a protection. But she also didn't want to be embarrassed. And Mom and Daddy were so protective. 

She suspected they had tried to get Laila fired or to get the police involved once they learned how bad it had been. Liv didn't ask. She felt bad enough as it was.  

Bottom line was that she had mentioned nothing about dating anyone to her family. A brief question to Grigor about Nika Roskov. That was it.

And now it was two months. She knew Nika's schedule was tight. And that there were rules. And they weren't a couple.

And she had no right. 

But she was sad. And her paint just didnt flow. The colors didn't come to life the way they should have. And she just couldn't find it again.

She cleaned off the glass plate she used as a palette and washed her brushes and then laid down. Dinner would be done soon, from the smells downstairs. She lay on her bad and decided to doom scroll through her wallet. 

After a while, she felt sleepy and put it down. At some point she was asleep. And then she heard a chime.  She fumbled for her wallet and opened it up.

Her heart lept. It was Nika. 

She was back. Liv was excited. And upset she was excited. She didn't want this again. Dependency. She would not let herself be owned again. She couldn't. 

And yet the excitement was there all the same. She would be calm. And not a simpering weakling. She texted back. "OK. Let me know where we can meet."

She wasn't mad at Nika. And wasn't trying to be cold. But she was scared. Of Nika. And of her own feelings. And of her excitement at finally hearing from her.