11-10-2014, 01:31 PM
Jensen had met another like him and he wasn't a monster. Sierra wasn't either. Jensen said Calvin didn't have to be one - that he wasn't a monster. Calvin's emotions swirled in his head. Confusion added to the mix. He didn't know what he was thinking anymore of what he was feeling. Jensen said it was about choices. He could make the choice to leave. He could go now - get some booze and the pain would go away. He could find the prostitute again - he knew where she operated. He doubted he could afford her fee this time. Maybe she would work something out with him. He doubted she would. But it could be worth a try.
It wasn't about want. He wanted to do neither of them. It was about need. He needed to stop the swirling emotions and stop the confusion. Then the pain would go away too. His want and need fought with each other and Calvin could feel himself starting to panic. His heart felt like it was going to leap out of his chest and his breath began to quicken. His indecision added to the swirling emotions. Calvin was aware of Jensen sitting next to him. Calvin wanted to scream. The indecision was causing a headache. He needed to choose something.
And then Jensen touched his hand. The emotions still swirled, but amidst them, two words came into his mind. Not alone...
He realized he wasn't alone. He had hurt people - physically and emotionally. He had almost done the same to Jensen. Maybe he had - Calvin didn't know if there were concealed bruises. But Jensen had not only forgiven him. He had brought him into his home, he had offered him a place to stay so he wouldn't drink. And in his darkest moment, Jensen had offered love and support to a man he barely knew, simply because he had been hurting.
Calvin didn't give into the need. He didn't stand. He wrapped Jensen into a hug. He needed human contact - real contact - not the lust he had gotten from the women. He needed the extra reassurance that he wasn't alone. The torrent of emotions needed an outlet, and as he hugged Jensen, he began to sob. He cried harder than he had in a long time.
Calvin wasn't aware of how long he sat there like that. He finished and released Jensen - he realized he had been squeezing pretty hard and felt bad, but didn't apologize. The whole situation had opened Calvin's eyes to something. Something he voiced aloud.
"I need help, don't I?"
Edited by Calvin, Nov 10 2014, 01:32 PM.
It wasn't about want. He wanted to do neither of them. It was about need. He needed to stop the swirling emotions and stop the confusion. Then the pain would go away too. His want and need fought with each other and Calvin could feel himself starting to panic. His heart felt like it was going to leap out of his chest and his breath began to quicken. His indecision added to the swirling emotions. Calvin was aware of Jensen sitting next to him. Calvin wanted to scream. The indecision was causing a headache. He needed to choose something.
And then Jensen touched his hand. The emotions still swirled, but amidst them, two words came into his mind. Not alone...
He realized he wasn't alone. He had hurt people - physically and emotionally. He had almost done the same to Jensen. Maybe he had - Calvin didn't know if there were concealed bruises. But Jensen had not only forgiven him. He had brought him into his home, he had offered him a place to stay so he wouldn't drink. And in his darkest moment, Jensen had offered love and support to a man he barely knew, simply because he had been hurting.
Calvin didn't give into the need. He didn't stand. He wrapped Jensen into a hug. He needed human contact - real contact - not the lust he had gotten from the women. He needed the extra reassurance that he wasn't alone. The torrent of emotions needed an outlet, and as he hugged Jensen, he began to sob. He cried harder than he had in a long time.
Calvin wasn't aware of how long he sat there like that. He finished and released Jensen - he realized he had been squeezing pretty hard and felt bad, but didn't apologize. The whole situation had opened Calvin's eyes to something. Something he voiced aloud.
"I need help, don't I?"
Edited by Calvin, Nov 10 2014, 01:32 PM.