11-18-2015, 05:29 PM
Connor let his eyes wander over Adyen's face, trying to read what lay behind those eyes. She was ever the mystery to him, someone he would always be learning something about. It was one of the things he loved about her.
And that peace he felt seemed perfect. He could imagine Hayden behind him or watching him and he smiled. Nox was not Hayden. He would never be Hayden. He had not failed his son. He did not need to make it up to him, somehow. He had done the best he could. He knew that. And knew that wherever Hayden was- if he was anywhere at all- he knew that. He missed his son, of course. He wished Hayden could meet Ayden.
The rhyme amused him. Ayden and Hayden. Somehow it fit. He wasn't sure what or if that meant anything but it was enough that being Ayden had been part of coming to terms with Hayden's loss. And learning to live, to trust, and even to love again.
And if he ever became a father again- he was still relatively young and Ayden definitely was- he knew that he would put his life into teaching his son to be a good man just as he had with Hayden. He would teach by example. Because in the end, that was what mattered. It didn't matter what kind of job you had or whether you became famous or rich or anything.
What mattered was the man you grew up to be, the man you could look in the mirror and respect. That kind of thing came from how you dealt with others, whether you put them and their needs first. You wrote yourselves in people's lives.
He wondered why this seemed to come to him now, why he was thinking this way. Maybe it was the culmination of so many ups and downs today- and over the last year. But either way, it felt appropriate. Stop looking for substitutes. Live your life.
The look on her face said she was puzzled as to why he was staring at her. He smiled at her. "I'm imagining you as a mother. Us as parents. I think it will be good."
And that peace he felt seemed perfect. He could imagine Hayden behind him or watching him and he smiled. Nox was not Hayden. He would never be Hayden. He had not failed his son. He did not need to make it up to him, somehow. He had done the best he could. He knew that. And knew that wherever Hayden was- if he was anywhere at all- he knew that. He missed his son, of course. He wished Hayden could meet Ayden.
The rhyme amused him. Ayden and Hayden. Somehow it fit. He wasn't sure what or if that meant anything but it was enough that being Ayden had been part of coming to terms with Hayden's loss. And learning to live, to trust, and even to love again.
And if he ever became a father again- he was still relatively young and Ayden definitely was- he knew that he would put his life into teaching his son to be a good man just as he had with Hayden. He would teach by example. Because in the end, that was what mattered. It didn't matter what kind of job you had or whether you became famous or rich or anything.
What mattered was the man you grew up to be, the man you could look in the mirror and respect. That kind of thing came from how you dealt with others, whether you put them and their needs first. You wrote yourselves in people's lives.
He wondered why this seemed to come to him now, why he was thinking this way. Maybe it was the culmination of so many ups and downs today- and over the last year. But either way, it felt appropriate. Stop looking for substitutes. Live your life.
The look on her face said she was puzzled as to why he was staring at her. He smiled at her. "I'm imagining you as a mother. Us as parents. I think it will be good."