06-29-2014, 12:57 PM
His back hit the wall and for a moment, the agony that lanced through his body was a blessing, a splash of cold water. And then Aria smiled at him with a feral grin, as if she wanted to hurt him. His mind was pulled in so many directions, emotions buffeting from every which way. He had to get away from her, from this place.
She put her hand on his chest….and suddenly he felt flooded with fire, burning for her. Aria was so beautiful, so perfect, those big eyes staring up at him hungrily, those lips parted, pleading with him to be kissed. She was a goddess and he wanted to worship her, to adore her, to glory in her. Her arm snaked around his neck and suddenly he felt the warmth of her lips on his, her body melted into his, firm and taut. His arm went around her and squeezed her to him.
He is in the bed, arms around Ayden, kissing her. It is perfect, she is perfect. Their lips separate, faces apart by an inch, her moist breath hot on his face, warmth of her skin still palpable. His heart is thundering, galloping. Her eyes are windows with nothing to block them and he can see her to her core. And she wants him, wants the man he is, needs him to love her. He feels as if she is ripping her heart from her chest, despite the great agony it causes her, and offering it to him as a gift, a treasure. And he cups it in hands, cherishes it, struck with awe by the sacrifice, by the complete opening of one’s self to the possibility of pain.
Trust. The thought burst into his mind, clearing the fog for a moment. Ayden trusts me. Even now, even now, she trusts me. She waits for me, hoping that I will choose her despite the mistakes she’s made. She trusts me to choose, hopes I will choose to stop being a dick to her and see what she’s done for me![/ The realization was a physical blow to the head, especially as he realized his lips were glued to Aria’s, his arms around her, squeezing her tight to him, caressing her back and hips and bottom. He put his hands on her shoulder and wrenched her mouth away from his; thrust her body back. “NO!”
was all he said and then ran, ran down the hall, into the room where the fighting was going on, ran out into the street and for the metro. He didn’t stop for his shoes or his shirt or his coat. He wasn’t going to stop until he got home.
The air was cold on his skin, freezing him, his feet painfully slapping the ground. He ignored it all. If he could get hurt trying to avoid Ayden, was willing to seek out pain in trying to avoid his feelings for Ayden, then he could suffer in his desire to go to her, he thought grimly. The anger at himself, the utter shame, drove him on. What a fucking pussy he was. There was no other way to describe it. The cold air and the running were helping dispel the fog around his mind and he felt such deep shame. What was he thinking kissing Aria? After Ayden had given him her heart, after she had upended her life- a bad one, no question, but she had done it for him - he gave into physical lust for another woman? His insides were twisted up in knots. His shame ate at him as he ran.
He made it to the station. Thankfully, he still had his wallet and was able to get on a train, albeit with some odd looks at wearing no shirt or shoes. He was greatful the trains were unattended or they might have kicked him off. He didn’t notice the change in temperature. His mind was on Ayden and what she’d done for him, what she was doing for him. How could he have been so stupid? How could he not trust that? How could he not trust her? She’d shown her willingness. He shook his head at what might have happened. He could have lost her out of fear. You fucking little bitch! You let fear almost cost you something amazing! Life sometimes sucks. So what! You have to live. You can’t give up hope. Because even though it might get bad, you still had those precious moments, those connections. Memories of Hayden, of his mother and father, his grandparents, even moments with Jamie were all part of him. They were good memories and just because he didn’t have them now didn’t mean they weren’t real. He shook his head. Who did he think he was? That he was so important that the universe went out of its way to shit on him? Disgust at himself roiled through him.
He had been this close, with Aria. This close and he would have given in. And then where would he be with Ayden? How could he ever look her in the eye again? Looking at how he had acted toward her, how he had treated her, he already felt terrible. She hadn’t deserved that from him. He would have to tell her about the kiss. And hope that she was more much forgiving and accepting than he had been.
But at least he would hope. No matter the cost, no matter the possibility. For the second time, he’d seen his life without hope. He wasn’t going to live like that. Even if it killed him, he’d rather die hoping than live that living death. He thought of Hayden. I’m back buddy. I’m sorry I fell down again. He took a deep breath. It hurt, but that didn’t matter. But I will keep my promise bud. And then a new thought. Hold on Ayden. Please don’t give up on me yet.
She put her hand on his chest….and suddenly he felt flooded with fire, burning for her. Aria was so beautiful, so perfect, those big eyes staring up at him hungrily, those lips parted, pleading with him to be kissed. She was a goddess and he wanted to worship her, to adore her, to glory in her. Her arm snaked around his neck and suddenly he felt the warmth of her lips on his, her body melted into his, firm and taut. His arm went around her and squeezed her to him.
He is in the bed, arms around Ayden, kissing her. It is perfect, she is perfect. Their lips separate, faces apart by an inch, her moist breath hot on his face, warmth of her skin still palpable. His heart is thundering, galloping. Her eyes are windows with nothing to block them and he can see her to her core. And she wants him, wants the man he is, needs him to love her. He feels as if she is ripping her heart from her chest, despite the great agony it causes her, and offering it to him as a gift, a treasure. And he cups it in hands, cherishes it, struck with awe by the sacrifice, by the complete opening of one’s self to the possibility of pain.
Trust. The thought burst into his mind, clearing the fog for a moment. Ayden trusts me. Even now, even now, she trusts me. She waits for me, hoping that I will choose her despite the mistakes she’s made. She trusts me to choose, hopes I will choose to stop being a dick to her and see what she’s done for me![/ The realization was a physical blow to the head, especially as he realized his lips were glued to Aria’s, his arms around her, squeezing her tight to him, caressing her back and hips and bottom. He put his hands on her shoulder and wrenched her mouth away from his; thrust her body back. “NO!”
was all he said and then ran, ran down the hall, into the room where the fighting was going on, ran out into the street and for the metro. He didn’t stop for his shoes or his shirt or his coat. He wasn’t going to stop until he got home.
The air was cold on his skin, freezing him, his feet painfully slapping the ground. He ignored it all. If he could get hurt trying to avoid Ayden, was willing to seek out pain in trying to avoid his feelings for Ayden, then he could suffer in his desire to go to her, he thought grimly. The anger at himself, the utter shame, drove him on. What a fucking pussy he was. There was no other way to describe it. The cold air and the running were helping dispel the fog around his mind and he felt such deep shame. What was he thinking kissing Aria? After Ayden had given him her heart, after she had upended her life- a bad one, no question, but she had done it for him - he gave into physical lust for another woman? His insides were twisted up in knots. His shame ate at him as he ran.
He made it to the station. Thankfully, he still had his wallet and was able to get on a train, albeit with some odd looks at wearing no shirt or shoes. He was greatful the trains were unattended or they might have kicked him off. He didn’t notice the change in temperature. His mind was on Ayden and what she’d done for him, what she was doing for him. How could he have been so stupid? How could he not trust that? How could he not trust her? She’d shown her willingness. He shook his head at what might have happened. He could have lost her out of fear. You fucking little bitch! You let fear almost cost you something amazing! Life sometimes sucks. So what! You have to live. You can’t give up hope. Because even though it might get bad, you still had those precious moments, those connections. Memories of Hayden, of his mother and father, his grandparents, even moments with Jamie were all part of him. They were good memories and just because he didn’t have them now didn’t mean they weren’t real. He shook his head. Who did he think he was? That he was so important that the universe went out of its way to shit on him? Disgust at himself roiled through him.
He had been this close, with Aria. This close and he would have given in. And then where would he be with Ayden? How could he ever look her in the eye again? Looking at how he had acted toward her, how he had treated her, he already felt terrible. She hadn’t deserved that from him. He would have to tell her about the kiss. And hope that she was more much forgiving and accepting than he had been.
But at least he would hope. No matter the cost, no matter the possibility. For the second time, he’d seen his life without hope. He wasn’t going to live like that. Even if it killed him, he’d rather die hoping than live that living death. He thought of Hayden. I’m back buddy. I’m sorry I fell down again. He took a deep breath. It hurt, but that didn’t matter. But I will keep my promise bud. And then a new thought. Hold on Ayden. Please don’t give up on me yet.