07-12-2014, 06:28 PM
Calvin didn’t hold a grudge for Connor’s advice. Not only had Calvin asked for it, but needed to hear it.
”No need for apologies. You’re helping. On that note, I have a lot to think about and should probably start heading home.”
Connor and Calvin left Chesterfield’s. Calvin felt optimistic. The two men exchanged information, and Connor said he could call anytime he needed anything. Calvin thanked him, and they shook hands, said their goodbyes, and parted ways. They weren’t too far from Calvin’s apartment, so Calvin walked the rest of the way, keeping check of his thoughts.
Connor said he had to find closure. He wasn’t really sure how to find it, but he assumed that he would know what it was when it happened. The pain still ached in his chest, but it felt easier to bear. Calvin arrived at his place removed his shoes and contact lenses; he wasn’t planning on going out again that evening. Going to the fridge, he grabbed a beer and looked at the bottle before returning it and grabbing a Coke instead. Tonight wasn’t going to be a good night to drink.
Calvin went through his usual dinner routine, cooking a small meal for himself. He went with chicken pasta as it was simple enough and watched a few TV shows from his DVD collection. His whole mind, however, was on how to find closure with Mary and Benji. Night came and episode after episode played, Calvin not really paying attention that much to the TV screen. Seeing that it was late, he turned off the TV and grabbed the picture of Mary and Benji off of the table. Connor had told Calvin that he should give himself permission to cry. Calvin wanted to, but the tears didn’t come.
Calvin walked to his room and grabbed a photo album with the word “Family” stylized in golden lettering on the cover from his bedside table. Returning to the living room, he lay down on the couch and opened the album. He hadn’t looked at the pictures inside for years. The first picture was his wedding picture. He was in his tuxedo and Mary was in her white dress. He smiled at the memories. More pictures – some at the wedding reception, some at vacations, and others that just had one or both of them being goofy. He kept flipping thought the pages until he saw the picture they had taken shortly after Benji’s birth. Mary was in a hospital bed, clearly very tired, but smiling and holding a newborn baby boy. Calvin was kneeling by the bed, his arm around her. The tears began to fall now. The pictures continued from there – baby pictures with friends and family. His eyes moved to the other picture on his table – the one of his parents. They had never gotten the chance to meet their grandson. The pictures turned into memories of Benji growing up. Calvin remembered all of the fun times. He spent more time with these pictures, his own family’s short life making him smile and cry at the same time. The last page contained only a newspaper article – Mary and Benji’s obituary. He stared at the clipping and the emotions he had bottled up for so long released as the pain in his heart intensified. He buried his face in his hands, his sobbing uncontrollable, until he cried himself to sleep.
Calvin awoke surrounded by…white. He seemed to be in an expansive room, nothing but white as far as the eye could see. A dream. Not THE dream, but a dream nonetheless.
”Calvin,”
a voice behind him said.
He turned around and Mary stood before him. He was too dumbstruck to speak and she smiled at him before standing on her tiptoes to kiss him. He knew this was a dream, that she wasn’t real, but he so wanted this to be real and he didn’t want it to stop.
The kiss ended and Calvin finally got a good look at her. She was dressed simply in a white blouse and blue jeans. He also noticed the chain that was held to her by a manacle at the wrist. The other end of the chain was attached to a metal belt around his own waist. A second chain went out into the distance.
”What’s this?”
Calvin said lifting the chain.
”We will get to that soon enough. Come, Benji wants to see you.”
Mary said, beginning to walk in the direction of the other chain.
”Benji’s here?”
Calvin said, following Mary.
”Of course he is. What kind of a mother do you think I am? I wouldn’t let him run around inside your head unattended.”
Mary looked back at him as she said it, a sarcastic smile on her face and a familiar sparkle in her eye.
”Ummm…we’re in my head?”
Mary raised her eyebrow in the look she always gave him when he said something that was completely obvious. ”Oh right, a dream.”
”Daddy!”
a young boys voice said and little Benji ran up to Calvin.
Calvin reacted by habit, bending down at the waist to intercept his child and spinning him around. Calvin and both dreams laughed, and a true smile hit Calvin’s face.
”Daddy, I wanna catch!”
Benji had a ball and glove with him and ran away from Calvin to prepare to play catch. Benji threw the ball, it bounced a few times, and Calvin bent down into a crouch and collected the ball. He tossed the ball underhand, just like he had so many years ago. Benji didn’t catch it, but it didn’t matter. There was clear joy on the child’s face and it was reflected in Calvin’s own. They tossed the ball back and forth a few times before Benji finally caught it and ran to jump once more into Calvin’s arms. Calvin allowed himself to fall backwards, forgetting that he was in a dream. Benji had always liked it when he “tackled” Daddy.
Father and son fell into a heap on the ground, laughing. Calvin heard Mary say, ”There he is. We haven’t seen this Calvin in a long time.”
Calvin sat up, keeping Benji in his lap and looked at her. ”Face it, Cal, you know why we’re here and what we are.”
”Just a dream…”
”More specifically, a construct of your subconscious to help you deal with your issue, but dream works too,”
she smiled that sarcastic smile again. ”We’re here to teach you two lessons, and then you’ll have to act on them. You’ve learned one lesson, so one more to go. I can’t answer questions, but can only guide you to the correct answer – I know nothing that you don’t. So what is the lesson you learned?”
Calvin thought about the interactions he had since falling asleep, the most prevalent in his head being playing with Benji. He had felt truthfully happy again. His laugh hadn’t been faked and neither had his smile.
”That I can still be happy,”
Mary made a spinning motion with her hand, urging him to continue the thought. ”And you would want me to be happy.”
He didn’t care if they were his subconscious; they were still Mary and Benji to him.
”Good,”
her smile was replaced by a worried look. ”You’ll wake up soon. Time is against us.”
”What happens if I wake up? Will you come again tomorrow?”
Calvin’s voice was hopeful. He wanted this dream again.
”I hope not,”
Mary said and Calvin frowned at her. Her voice was grave, as if she didn’t want to say it, but she had to anyways. ”We don’t belong here, Cal.”
”So where do you belong?”
Her smile returned, ”I like it when you ask questions you already know the answer to.”
She walked over to him and sat down, placing her right arm around his shoulder and pointing to his head with her left. ”We don’t belong here. We belong here.”
Her hand moved and she pressed it over his heart. Benji’s hand met hers and Calvin covered both hands with his own.
They wanted to go home and Calvin had been keeping them from where they belonged. Lesson Two.
Calvin picked up the chains, ”So I’m keeping you here with these. That’s the action. I need to remove the chains and let you go.”
Mary nodded and Calvin started to look for a latch on the belt around his waist. His fingers came across a keyhole.
”It’s locked, where is the key?”
”You have it.”
Calvin patted his pockets, ”No, I don’t”
”You will when you understand. Come Benji, Daddy is waking up soon. We have to go.”
Benji stood and took Mary’s hand. Calvin stood as they began to walk away, wondering what he needed to understand. He raked through his memory, trying to find what would release them and what would bring himself and his family peace.
He could have died without us there, as your son did. But that doesn't mean that I loved him any less. Or that I didn't have a chance to say goodbye. Truth is, the goodbye stuff? That's all for us. If our loved ones are alive somewhere they already know we love them. And if not, well...they don't know anything. Either way, the goodbye is our knowing that they knew how much they were loved when they died.”
Connor’s words from earlier slammed into his mind, and with it came understanding. He had felt angry that his family had been taken from him and that anger turned to sadness. The one thing he could have wished for besides having them back was the chance to say goodbye. He patted his pockets again, searching for the key, but understanding what he needed to do wasn’t enough.
”Mary, Benji,”
Calvin called out to them and they turned to face him. Even in the dream, tears began to blur Calvin’s vision and his hands clenched in resolve. He had to do this. ”Goodbye.
Mary smiled at him and Benji pointed a finger to Calvin’s right hand. Calvin looked down at his hand and opened it, a old style key sat in his palm. Calvin took the key and released the lock on the belt, the chains and belt vanishing as the belt began to fall to the ground. As he looked up, Mary and Benji approached him, Benji removing his hand from his mother’s to run and hug Calvin’s leg.
”Goodbye Daddy. I love you.”
Calvin knelt down, hugged Benji, and kissed him on the head, ”Goodbye son. I love you too.”
He stood up and looked Mary in the eyes, ”Goodbye Mary. I love you.”
She smiled at him and placed her hand on his heart, ”Remember, we’re always here. Goodbye Calvin. I love you too.”
She stood up on her toes again and kissed him once more, before picking Benji up and walking away. Benji kept his eyes on Calvin, raising his little hand in farewell. Calvin waved back and as he did, his family disappeared from his sight.
His eyes opened and Calvin awakened in his living room. It was morning. There was moisture on his face; he had been crying. Calvin stood up and walked to the bathroom, washed his face, and stared at himself in the mirror, the lights reflecting off of his golden eyes. The pain was still in his chest, but it was different. It was like when he had cut his foot open a week before. After he got stitched up, the pain was still there, but it was diminished and Calvin knew it would heal. He might have a scar – the hole would never go away – but he would heal in time.
Calvin laughed at himself, feeling a joy he hadn’t felt in a long time. He knew they were with him and would always be with him, and if there was an afterlife, he knew he had granted them just as much peace as he now felt.
That laugh is for you guys.
He returned to his living room and picked up his Wallet. He sent Connor a quick message.
I said goodbye last night.
The message was short, but Connor would understand. Calvin understood though – and that is really all that mattered.
Edited by Calvin, Jul 12 2014, 06:58 PM.
”No need for apologies. You’re helping. On that note, I have a lot to think about and should probably start heading home.”
Connor and Calvin left Chesterfield’s. Calvin felt optimistic. The two men exchanged information, and Connor said he could call anytime he needed anything. Calvin thanked him, and they shook hands, said their goodbyes, and parted ways. They weren’t too far from Calvin’s apartment, so Calvin walked the rest of the way, keeping check of his thoughts.
Connor said he had to find closure. He wasn’t really sure how to find it, but he assumed that he would know what it was when it happened. The pain still ached in his chest, but it felt easier to bear. Calvin arrived at his place removed his shoes and contact lenses; he wasn’t planning on going out again that evening. Going to the fridge, he grabbed a beer and looked at the bottle before returning it and grabbing a Coke instead. Tonight wasn’t going to be a good night to drink.
Calvin went through his usual dinner routine, cooking a small meal for himself. He went with chicken pasta as it was simple enough and watched a few TV shows from his DVD collection. His whole mind, however, was on how to find closure with Mary and Benji. Night came and episode after episode played, Calvin not really paying attention that much to the TV screen. Seeing that it was late, he turned off the TV and grabbed the picture of Mary and Benji off of the table. Connor had told Calvin that he should give himself permission to cry. Calvin wanted to, but the tears didn’t come.
Calvin walked to his room and grabbed a photo album with the word “Family” stylized in golden lettering on the cover from his bedside table. Returning to the living room, he lay down on the couch and opened the album. He hadn’t looked at the pictures inside for years. The first picture was his wedding picture. He was in his tuxedo and Mary was in her white dress. He smiled at the memories. More pictures – some at the wedding reception, some at vacations, and others that just had one or both of them being goofy. He kept flipping thought the pages until he saw the picture they had taken shortly after Benji’s birth. Mary was in a hospital bed, clearly very tired, but smiling and holding a newborn baby boy. Calvin was kneeling by the bed, his arm around her. The tears began to fall now. The pictures continued from there – baby pictures with friends and family. His eyes moved to the other picture on his table – the one of his parents. They had never gotten the chance to meet their grandson. The pictures turned into memories of Benji growing up. Calvin remembered all of the fun times. He spent more time with these pictures, his own family’s short life making him smile and cry at the same time. The last page contained only a newspaper article – Mary and Benji’s obituary. He stared at the clipping and the emotions he had bottled up for so long released as the pain in his heart intensified. He buried his face in his hands, his sobbing uncontrollable, until he cried himself to sleep.
Calvin awoke surrounded by…white. He seemed to be in an expansive room, nothing but white as far as the eye could see. A dream. Not THE dream, but a dream nonetheless.
”Calvin,”
a voice behind him said.
He turned around and Mary stood before him. He was too dumbstruck to speak and she smiled at him before standing on her tiptoes to kiss him. He knew this was a dream, that she wasn’t real, but he so wanted this to be real and he didn’t want it to stop.
The kiss ended and Calvin finally got a good look at her. She was dressed simply in a white blouse and blue jeans. He also noticed the chain that was held to her by a manacle at the wrist. The other end of the chain was attached to a metal belt around his own waist. A second chain went out into the distance.
”What’s this?”
Calvin said lifting the chain.
”We will get to that soon enough. Come, Benji wants to see you.”
Mary said, beginning to walk in the direction of the other chain.
”Benji’s here?”
Calvin said, following Mary.
”Of course he is. What kind of a mother do you think I am? I wouldn’t let him run around inside your head unattended.”
Mary looked back at him as she said it, a sarcastic smile on her face and a familiar sparkle in her eye.
”Ummm…we’re in my head?”
Mary raised her eyebrow in the look she always gave him when he said something that was completely obvious. ”Oh right, a dream.”
”Daddy!”
a young boys voice said and little Benji ran up to Calvin.
Calvin reacted by habit, bending down at the waist to intercept his child and spinning him around. Calvin and both dreams laughed, and a true smile hit Calvin’s face.
”Daddy, I wanna catch!”
Benji had a ball and glove with him and ran away from Calvin to prepare to play catch. Benji threw the ball, it bounced a few times, and Calvin bent down into a crouch and collected the ball. He tossed the ball underhand, just like he had so many years ago. Benji didn’t catch it, but it didn’t matter. There was clear joy on the child’s face and it was reflected in Calvin’s own. They tossed the ball back and forth a few times before Benji finally caught it and ran to jump once more into Calvin’s arms. Calvin allowed himself to fall backwards, forgetting that he was in a dream. Benji had always liked it when he “tackled” Daddy.
Father and son fell into a heap on the ground, laughing. Calvin heard Mary say, ”There he is. We haven’t seen this Calvin in a long time.”
Calvin sat up, keeping Benji in his lap and looked at her. ”Face it, Cal, you know why we’re here and what we are.”
”Just a dream…”
”More specifically, a construct of your subconscious to help you deal with your issue, but dream works too,”
she smiled that sarcastic smile again. ”We’re here to teach you two lessons, and then you’ll have to act on them. You’ve learned one lesson, so one more to go. I can’t answer questions, but can only guide you to the correct answer – I know nothing that you don’t. So what is the lesson you learned?”
Calvin thought about the interactions he had since falling asleep, the most prevalent in his head being playing with Benji. He had felt truthfully happy again. His laugh hadn’t been faked and neither had his smile.
”That I can still be happy,”
Mary made a spinning motion with her hand, urging him to continue the thought. ”And you would want me to be happy.”
He didn’t care if they were his subconscious; they were still Mary and Benji to him.
”Good,”
her smile was replaced by a worried look. ”You’ll wake up soon. Time is against us.”
”What happens if I wake up? Will you come again tomorrow?”
Calvin’s voice was hopeful. He wanted this dream again.
”I hope not,”
Mary said and Calvin frowned at her. Her voice was grave, as if she didn’t want to say it, but she had to anyways. ”We don’t belong here, Cal.”
”So where do you belong?”
Her smile returned, ”I like it when you ask questions you already know the answer to.”
She walked over to him and sat down, placing her right arm around his shoulder and pointing to his head with her left. ”We don’t belong here. We belong here.”
Her hand moved and she pressed it over his heart. Benji’s hand met hers and Calvin covered both hands with his own.
They wanted to go home and Calvin had been keeping them from where they belonged. Lesson Two.
Calvin picked up the chains, ”So I’m keeping you here with these. That’s the action. I need to remove the chains and let you go.”
Mary nodded and Calvin started to look for a latch on the belt around his waist. His fingers came across a keyhole.
”It’s locked, where is the key?”
”You have it.”
Calvin patted his pockets, ”No, I don’t”
”You will when you understand. Come Benji, Daddy is waking up soon. We have to go.”
Benji stood and took Mary’s hand. Calvin stood as they began to walk away, wondering what he needed to understand. He raked through his memory, trying to find what would release them and what would bring himself and his family peace.
He could have died without us there, as your son did. But that doesn't mean that I loved him any less. Or that I didn't have a chance to say goodbye. Truth is, the goodbye stuff? That's all for us. If our loved ones are alive somewhere they already know we love them. And if not, well...they don't know anything. Either way, the goodbye is our knowing that they knew how much they were loved when they died.”
Connor’s words from earlier slammed into his mind, and with it came understanding. He had felt angry that his family had been taken from him and that anger turned to sadness. The one thing he could have wished for besides having them back was the chance to say goodbye. He patted his pockets again, searching for the key, but understanding what he needed to do wasn’t enough.
”Mary, Benji,”
Calvin called out to them and they turned to face him. Even in the dream, tears began to blur Calvin’s vision and his hands clenched in resolve. He had to do this. ”Goodbye.
Mary smiled at him and Benji pointed a finger to Calvin’s right hand. Calvin looked down at his hand and opened it, a old style key sat in his palm. Calvin took the key and released the lock on the belt, the chains and belt vanishing as the belt began to fall to the ground. As he looked up, Mary and Benji approached him, Benji removing his hand from his mother’s to run and hug Calvin’s leg.
”Goodbye Daddy. I love you.”
Calvin knelt down, hugged Benji, and kissed him on the head, ”Goodbye son. I love you too.”
He stood up and looked Mary in the eyes, ”Goodbye Mary. I love you.”
She smiled at him and placed her hand on his heart, ”Remember, we’re always here. Goodbye Calvin. I love you too.”
She stood up on her toes again and kissed him once more, before picking Benji up and walking away. Benji kept his eyes on Calvin, raising his little hand in farewell. Calvin waved back and as he did, his family disappeared from his sight.
His eyes opened and Calvin awakened in his living room. It was morning. There was moisture on his face; he had been crying. Calvin stood up and walked to the bathroom, washed his face, and stared at himself in the mirror, the lights reflecting off of his golden eyes. The pain was still in his chest, but it was different. It was like when he had cut his foot open a week before. After he got stitched up, the pain was still there, but it was diminished and Calvin knew it would heal. He might have a scar – the hole would never go away – but he would heal in time.
Calvin laughed at himself, feeling a joy he hadn’t felt in a long time. He knew they were with him and would always be with him, and if there was an afterlife, he knew he had granted them just as much peace as he now felt.
That laugh is for you guys.
He returned to his living room and picked up his Wallet. He sent Connor a quick message.
I said goodbye last night.
The message was short, but Connor would understand. Calvin understood though – and that is really all that mattered.
Edited by Calvin, Jul 12 2014, 06:58 PM.