07-11-2014, 04:31 PM
Connor listened. Calvin was quick about getting it. But the idea was easy, the concept. It was the doing that was going to be hard.
"Well to be honest I'm not sure how a person starts really. I mean I know what worked for me."
He thought back to that night with Aria and Jensen and Giovanni. It was hard to think of Aria without feeling guilt or anger at what had happened, at what almost happened. Instead, he focused on that night. "For me, it was the realization that I had been there for my son. I had been with him to the end. He had his clear moments and knew his mom and I were there. But I believe that even when he wasn't lucid, somehow he knew."
He paused, thinking. Was it for Hayden or himself? "It's hard to describe. The bottom line was that I new that my son knew that I loved him. He knew that I was there watching over him to the end. In a way, it let me say good bye."
He thought about what could have been with Hayden, those that hunted people like him and Jensen, his dying in a cell or padded room or being put down like a dog. Anger welled up inside of him and it made him vehement. "I wouldn't trade all the happiness in the world for those last moments with my son. If the price I had to pay to let him know that I loved him was this gaping hole in my heart, I'd do it a million times over."
He stopped and breathed. "Sorry, I get worked up about it."
"It really comes down to being willing to suffer for those moments of happiness, that they are that precious to you. I didn't have a great marriage at all. But I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat for the sake of having my son. Of course I'd try to do it better, make better choices and decisions. But I'd never change the events that led up to his birth, just to shield myself from the fear of loss."
He stopped. He was just rambling, saying things that came to him. They were the truest truth that he knew, but he wasn't sure how to convey it in a clear logical fashion. Wasn't even sure he should try. He could just say what he knew and let the man take from it what he would.
"The biggest thing I will say is to let yourself feel what you feel. If you feel like crying, then dammit, have a good cry. Give yourself permission to experience the emotions you feel. Don't be afraid of them. I don't mean destructive stuff. I'm not saying hurt yourself."
His mind flashed to his fighting. In the end, it had accomplished nothing. "But you will go through the stages of grief. And the sooner you get started on them- that you don't avoid those feelings, then the sooner you'll come to terms with it."
He took a drink.
"You will never fill that hole. It will always be there. And that's a good thing. I don't want someone to replace my son, to pretend he was never there. I don't think you want to forget your wife or son either. So don't try to replace them. Instead, realize that they would want you to be happy. When the time comes- and believe me it's going to be a tough road, but you can do it- but when you finally have found peace with it, when you've accepted all of life's unfairness and have refused to let it destroy you, then you can start to move on with your life."
He remembered it all to well. "Living death is the worst thing, Calvin, to try to obliterate yourself."
He looked away from Calvin and say Ayden walking about serving other tables. She saw him and smiled at him. No, she can't replace Hayden or anyone else I have lost in my life. But she can be someone new to love, another reason for joy in this world. "Maybe you and this girl, this photographer will be something. Maybe not. But you will find things in this life to bring you joy. No one will replace your wife and son. No one! But they can join them as people you can love. Friends, family, another woman to love- even more children. Love is not finite. Loving them will not mean that you loved Mary or Benji any less."
Looking back at Calvin, looking him in the eye, he said, "So let yourself go through this. Don't fight it, don't try to avoid it. Give yourself permission. Think of them as watching you, wanting you to be happy. I promise you, you will get through this."
He took a long drink. "Sorry, I tend to ramble. I hope that some of what I said is useful."
He shrugged a little embarrassed. "Heh...so, end of speech I guess. I mean, I'm happy to answer questions and to talk. I just mean that I'll just be silent for a little bit."
He grinned.
"Well to be honest I'm not sure how a person starts really. I mean I know what worked for me."
He thought back to that night with Aria and Jensen and Giovanni. It was hard to think of Aria without feeling guilt or anger at what had happened, at what almost happened. Instead, he focused on that night. "For me, it was the realization that I had been there for my son. I had been with him to the end. He had his clear moments and knew his mom and I were there. But I believe that even when he wasn't lucid, somehow he knew."
He paused, thinking. Was it for Hayden or himself? "It's hard to describe. The bottom line was that I new that my son knew that I loved him. He knew that I was there watching over him to the end. In a way, it let me say good bye."
He thought about what could have been with Hayden, those that hunted people like him and Jensen, his dying in a cell or padded room or being put down like a dog. Anger welled up inside of him and it made him vehement. "I wouldn't trade all the happiness in the world for those last moments with my son. If the price I had to pay to let him know that I loved him was this gaping hole in my heart, I'd do it a million times over."
He stopped and breathed. "Sorry, I get worked up about it."
"It really comes down to being willing to suffer for those moments of happiness, that they are that precious to you. I didn't have a great marriage at all. But I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat for the sake of having my son. Of course I'd try to do it better, make better choices and decisions. But I'd never change the events that led up to his birth, just to shield myself from the fear of loss."
He stopped. He was just rambling, saying things that came to him. They were the truest truth that he knew, but he wasn't sure how to convey it in a clear logical fashion. Wasn't even sure he should try. He could just say what he knew and let the man take from it what he would.
"The biggest thing I will say is to let yourself feel what you feel. If you feel like crying, then dammit, have a good cry. Give yourself permission to experience the emotions you feel. Don't be afraid of them. I don't mean destructive stuff. I'm not saying hurt yourself."
His mind flashed to his fighting. In the end, it had accomplished nothing. "But you will go through the stages of grief. And the sooner you get started on them- that you don't avoid those feelings, then the sooner you'll come to terms with it."
He took a drink.
"You will never fill that hole. It will always be there. And that's a good thing. I don't want someone to replace my son, to pretend he was never there. I don't think you want to forget your wife or son either. So don't try to replace them. Instead, realize that they would want you to be happy. When the time comes- and believe me it's going to be a tough road, but you can do it- but when you finally have found peace with it, when you've accepted all of life's unfairness and have refused to let it destroy you, then you can start to move on with your life."
He remembered it all to well. "Living death is the worst thing, Calvin, to try to obliterate yourself."
He looked away from Calvin and say Ayden walking about serving other tables. She saw him and smiled at him. No, she can't replace Hayden or anyone else I have lost in my life. But she can be someone new to love, another reason for joy in this world. "Maybe you and this girl, this photographer will be something. Maybe not. But you will find things in this life to bring you joy. No one will replace your wife and son. No one! But they can join them as people you can love. Friends, family, another woman to love- even more children. Love is not finite. Loving them will not mean that you loved Mary or Benji any less."
Looking back at Calvin, looking him in the eye, he said, "So let yourself go through this. Don't fight it, don't try to avoid it. Give yourself permission. Think of them as watching you, wanting you to be happy. I promise you, you will get through this."
He took a long drink. "Sorry, I tend to ramble. I hope that some of what I said is useful."
He shrugged a little embarrassed. "Heh...so, end of speech I guess. I mean, I'm happy to answer questions and to talk. I just mean that I'll just be silent for a little bit."
He grinned.