Seeking Control

[Jensen James]

Silence grew between them. Jensen was actually okay with it. The two of them nursed their drinks - although Calvin's was empty - and he wondered if Calvin wished it were alcoholic after all. Soon, he found himself speaking his thoughts aloud. Although he was rambling, he did have a point. "I understand the temptation now. To want to be numb. Or chasing the need to focus all of your thoughts and energy into one task that there's no room to dwell on anything else. To not care that you don't matter. Or even worse, that you mattered and ended up a disappointment."


He didn't know what Calvin was going through, but his time with Doulou gave him insight beyond the twin suns of Calvin's eyes. Could he hear the whisper of the animal-world at that moment? How does a man separate the beast from within? Or better yet, perhaps all men were beasts, and Calvin simply was more aware of it?

"I made a mistake and I handled it in the worst way possible, and I couldn't face the shame of it. Took years to figure out that I am not a demon, but neither am I an angle. I can't help some things, but I know I was made this way for a reason. I simply am not yet sure why, but I'll try the rest of my life to make amends for what I did wrong."


The corner of his mouth twitched as he sought to meet Calvin's gaze: an ounce of well-balanced humor. "Now come on. What could be so bad?"