01-12-2015, 04:42 PM
Lucas opened up to Calvin and told him things that he would not have expected a man he had just met to do. He had even almost gotten killed trying to get his fix. Calvin didn't judge him for his actions; he wasn't in a place where he could. Calvin had contemplated killing a man - he was really glad that he didn't. The thought made him think of Sierra and how much he missed her.
It was Lucas offering to be his sponsor that really surprised him. Calvin was sure he had tried to hurt the man, but yet the man wanted to help him fight his battle. It was encouraging and lifted a large burden for Calvin. He met the man's eyes.
"I'm willing to work for it and I know it will be hard. The last couple of days alone have seemed like hell. The only thing I can think about is drinking...and...sex"
The last part made Calvin look away - he had revealed his second addiction to Lucas. He turned his eyes back to Lucas. "I became I man I didn't want to be...and that man will never again exist, but I know I can't do it alone. I'm honored that you're willing to help. I'd like to start now - by sharing some things. Not to gain sympathy, but to get them in the open - out of my head. I'm not ready for everyone to know - can we talk privately."
Lucas agreed and they went into another room and closed the door.
"I'm not sure where to start, but there's a lot of background so I'm going to ramble for a bit. Please bear with me. My mother died of cancer when I was 23. My dad became depressed after that and committed suicide a year later. I've only told my therapist this, but I blame myself for it."
Bad son...
The battle with his internal demons began as he faced his past. Calvin trudge through, telling Lucas of his wife and son - how he had lost them to a drunk driver and blamed himself for that too - if he had done something differently they might still be here.
Bad husband...bad father...
Calvin showed physical signs of the struggle that was happening in his mind. His breathing seemed to choke up a bit and quickened and tears began to fall. The desire to drink became stronger - his emotions screaming for something to make the pain he faced going away. He kept his eyes on Lucas. Lucas was his strong point - he wouldn't give in to it.
"I moved here and met someone. Someone hurt her - not physically, but emotionally. I wanted to hurt the man who did it, and I planned to kill him. I don't like to hurt people and I couldn't go through with it. Now I'm glad I didn't, but then the only the thing I could think of was how much of a failure I was. How useless I was. That was the night it started. I went to a bar and got a bottle of whiskey. I left the bar that night with a prostitute. It's when I realized that the alcohol and sex made the pain go away - at least for awhile. When I woke up, I felt just as empty as before. Pretty soon, it didn't matter. I needed the alcohol and needed sex. I can't tell you how many women I've woken up to that I don't remember meeting."
Calvin closed his eyes and took a deep breath to calm himself.
"It wasn't enough though...next was fighting. I started to fight people - usually drunk - I don't remember most of them - just waking up with bruises. I remember it not being about winning - it was about making the pain go away. Everything I did was so that it wouldn't hurt anymore. I started to hit rock bottom when I woke up in a jail cell - hungover - with a fractured nose and the only thing I remembered from the night before was snowmen. I was charged with public intoxication and disorderly conduct. The fine was large and ate up my savings. I don't remember the fight, but it started to get others concerned about me. A few days ago, my boss almost fired me. The only reason he didn't was because he knew something was wrong and didn't think firing would help. He also said that he couldn't force me to get help, but also said this was my only warning. It was clear if I didn't get help I would lose my job, and honestly, I would have deserved it. I'm seeing a counselor now for depression and substance abuse, and my coworkers know what's going on and are being supportive. They even worked out a rotation of people to stay with me so that I'm not alone for awhile. They don't think it's safe for me to be alone."
Calvin closed his eyes. He had fought the battle and had won, but the desire was still there. He still wanted to drink.
That was really hard."
He felt a little better having told it now to two people.
It was Lucas offering to be his sponsor that really surprised him. Calvin was sure he had tried to hurt the man, but yet the man wanted to help him fight his battle. It was encouraging and lifted a large burden for Calvin. He met the man's eyes.
"I'm willing to work for it and I know it will be hard. The last couple of days alone have seemed like hell. The only thing I can think about is drinking...and...sex"
The last part made Calvin look away - he had revealed his second addiction to Lucas. He turned his eyes back to Lucas. "I became I man I didn't want to be...and that man will never again exist, but I know I can't do it alone. I'm honored that you're willing to help. I'd like to start now - by sharing some things. Not to gain sympathy, but to get them in the open - out of my head. I'm not ready for everyone to know - can we talk privately."
Lucas agreed and they went into another room and closed the door.
"I'm not sure where to start, but there's a lot of background so I'm going to ramble for a bit. Please bear with me. My mother died of cancer when I was 23. My dad became depressed after that and committed suicide a year later. I've only told my therapist this, but I blame myself for it."
Bad son...
The battle with his internal demons began as he faced his past. Calvin trudge through, telling Lucas of his wife and son - how he had lost them to a drunk driver and blamed himself for that too - if he had done something differently they might still be here.
Bad husband...bad father...
Calvin showed physical signs of the struggle that was happening in his mind. His breathing seemed to choke up a bit and quickened and tears began to fall. The desire to drink became stronger - his emotions screaming for something to make the pain he faced going away. He kept his eyes on Lucas. Lucas was his strong point - he wouldn't give in to it.
"I moved here and met someone. Someone hurt her - not physically, but emotionally. I wanted to hurt the man who did it, and I planned to kill him. I don't like to hurt people and I couldn't go through with it. Now I'm glad I didn't, but then the only the thing I could think of was how much of a failure I was. How useless I was. That was the night it started. I went to a bar and got a bottle of whiskey. I left the bar that night with a prostitute. It's when I realized that the alcohol and sex made the pain go away - at least for awhile. When I woke up, I felt just as empty as before. Pretty soon, it didn't matter. I needed the alcohol and needed sex. I can't tell you how many women I've woken up to that I don't remember meeting."
Calvin closed his eyes and took a deep breath to calm himself.
"It wasn't enough though...next was fighting. I started to fight people - usually drunk - I don't remember most of them - just waking up with bruises. I remember it not being about winning - it was about making the pain go away. Everything I did was so that it wouldn't hurt anymore. I started to hit rock bottom when I woke up in a jail cell - hungover - with a fractured nose and the only thing I remembered from the night before was snowmen. I was charged with public intoxication and disorderly conduct. The fine was large and ate up my savings. I don't remember the fight, but it started to get others concerned about me. A few days ago, my boss almost fired me. The only reason he didn't was because he knew something was wrong and didn't think firing would help. He also said that he couldn't force me to get help, but also said this was my only warning. It was clear if I didn't get help I would lose my job, and honestly, I would have deserved it. I'm seeing a counselor now for depression and substance abuse, and my coworkers know what's going on and are being supportive. They even worked out a rotation of people to stay with me so that I'm not alone for awhile. They don't think it's safe for me to be alone."
Calvin closed his eyes. He had fought the battle and had won, but the desire was still there. He still wanted to drink.
That was really hard."
He felt a little better having told it now to two people.