06-22-2015, 04:03 PM
Connor walked slowly and quietly out into the day, lost in thought. All the banter and laughter of earlier was gone. It was to be expected. God, what would it say about him if he didn't stop and take stock when something like that happened. When he lost the ability to empathize.
Sometimes he envied those who were able to set aside their feelings for the moment and focus on the task at hand. His emotional identification with others was a strength. But it was also a weakness. It kept him from being able stop and do what needed to be done.
The memory of Hayden in his bed, burning in pain after the accident. It had nearly paralyzed him into inaction. He dashed the memory away, not wanting to go there. Not now. Lately, as he settled down into his new life, he found himself wishing Hayden was there for him to share it. He would have like Ayden. And Moscow too. He did the math in his head and realized that he would have been 22. Finishing his schooling and interning or something. Or not. His focus had not been so single minded as all that. Who knew what would have happened.
But it would have been nice to see. He wasn't depressed. He wasn't thinking of losing himself or drowning his sorrows. He was passed that. Still...God forgive me the day that goes by with me not remembering my son. Accepting and moving on was one thing. Forgetting something else. Still...it wasn't easy.
Charlie was on the phone and when he was done came over to him. He looked shaken. Understandable. "Your buddy said he'd call you. He had to take off." There wasn't much else to say. Connor felt no desire to stay out. Truth was, he just wanted to go home to Ayden right now, to be around her. He knew it was irrational, but the fear that had lanced through him was still there. Fear of losing her as he had Hayden.
"Alright. Hey man, I need to go. I'll text you later, ok?"
He felt bad for blowing Charlie off but the guy was a big boy. He just had to go home.
Sometimes he envied those who were able to set aside their feelings for the moment and focus on the task at hand. His emotional identification with others was a strength. But it was also a weakness. It kept him from being able stop and do what needed to be done.
The memory of Hayden in his bed, burning in pain after the accident. It had nearly paralyzed him into inaction. He dashed the memory away, not wanting to go there. Not now. Lately, as he settled down into his new life, he found himself wishing Hayden was there for him to share it. He would have like Ayden. And Moscow too. He did the math in his head and realized that he would have been 22. Finishing his schooling and interning or something. Or not. His focus had not been so single minded as all that. Who knew what would have happened.
But it would have been nice to see. He wasn't depressed. He wasn't thinking of losing himself or drowning his sorrows. He was passed that. Still...God forgive me the day that goes by with me not remembering my son. Accepting and moving on was one thing. Forgetting something else. Still...it wasn't easy.
Charlie was on the phone and when he was done came over to him. He looked shaken. Understandable. "Your buddy said he'd call you. He had to take off." There wasn't much else to say. Connor felt no desire to stay out. Truth was, he just wanted to go home to Ayden right now, to be around her. He knew it was irrational, but the fear that had lanced through him was still there. Fear of losing her as he had Hayden.
"Alright. Hey man, I need to go. I'll text you later, ok?"
He felt bad for blowing Charlie off but the guy was a big boy. He just had to go home.