02-09-2018, 12:42 PM
Pop's arms around him were like....it was weird. In his whole life, he could count the times he'd gotten a hug from the man on one hand- and have fingers left over.
He wasn't the guy who did that. Ivan or Pavel had never ran up to hug him when he got home. They'd never wrestled on the floor. He'd never sat in his lap as a child, listening to him and ma talk, to a story he read, or just to the tv as pops watched.
Ma, sure. Alot of those things. Not the wrestling, but everything else. She gave the affection. Pops was.....pops. The judge. The law giver. God. Good, fair, kind. But there was always a distance.
Over the years Ivan had learned to see his father's love in the little things. The roof over their head. The food they ate. That special pair of shoes he wanted. The time under the hood of a car. The talks.
But it was weird because.....for all of that, for all the indirect ways he'd seen his father's love, all the little things.... this , this right here, this was what he'd craved. He'd hungered for. And never knew that until this single moment.
Goddamnit, he was a grownass man! So why was he sobbing uncontrollably right now? Why did he just want his papa, for just this moment?
"I'm sorry. I couldn't stop her. I couldn't save you."
he whispered through his tears, muffled into pop's shoulder, repeatedly.
It was was truest deepest thing he knew about himself, though the why had always eluded him. He had to save people. And he'd failed. And that tore at him, a gaping hole, a maw that he hungered to fill, to make up for. For everyone.
Maybe if he did it enough, he'd be good enough.
He wasn't the guy who did that. Ivan or Pavel had never ran up to hug him when he got home. They'd never wrestled on the floor. He'd never sat in his lap as a child, listening to him and ma talk, to a story he read, or just to the tv as pops watched.
Ma, sure. Alot of those things. Not the wrestling, but everything else. She gave the affection. Pops was.....pops. The judge. The law giver. God. Good, fair, kind. But there was always a distance.
Over the years Ivan had learned to see his father's love in the little things. The roof over their head. The food they ate. That special pair of shoes he wanted. The time under the hood of a car. The talks.
But it was weird because.....for all of that, for all the indirect ways he'd seen his father's love, all the little things.... this , this right here, this was what he'd craved. He'd hungered for. And never knew that until this single moment.
Goddamnit, he was a grownass man! So why was he sobbing uncontrollably right now? Why did he just want his papa, for just this moment?
"I'm sorry. I couldn't stop her. I couldn't save you."
he whispered through his tears, muffled into pop's shoulder, repeatedly.
It was was truest deepest thing he knew about himself, though the why had always eluded him. He had to save people. And he'd failed. And that tore at him, a gaping hole, a maw that he hungered to fill, to make up for. For everyone.
Maybe if he did it enough, he'd be good enough.