You Are Not Fine

[Nox]

The sex had been amazing at least in that Nox had use of both arms, and he never once felt like he might hurt Hayden with it. Every touch of Hayden's body made Nox feel more connected and sleep was restful, his nightmares had played out, but they didn't wake him. There was no fear, no pain, no guilt. He felt nothing in the absence of the power.

The heavy weight on his chest was familiar though he hadn't gotten up to retrieve her and was surprised Hayden had brought her in and stayed. He was surprised he just hadn't rolled over, Hayden wasn't the domestic type. He didn't want more. He didn't want what Nox wanted and that was okay, this wasn't that. But as he looked over at the other man asleep he wondered if Hayden was lying to himself. He was going above and beyond what was required of him as a friend, or even as a lover. Hayden never expressed wanting to be a part of the family but Nox had asked him to be just that and he'd said yes.

Nox sighed and Hayden's eyes slide open. Hayden's wry smile brightened his green eyes. "Hey."

Nox smiled and nodded. "Hi. You should have woke me up to get her."

Hayden stretched and shook his head. "You needed the sleep and I was awake anyway."

"This isn't your thing." Nox said sitting up craddling Lily with the mechanical arm. He'd slept with his arm wrapped around her and she was perfect in his arms. He could feel the weave of the fabric between her hand and his body, she was so small, so delicate.

"It's yours." Hayden agreed. "You can't live like this Nox. Don't you want to feel that love for her? For real."

Nox sighed and crawled out of bed setting Lily down so he could get dressed. She was still asleep and Hayden stared down at her lying there even as he moved to pull fresh clothes from the bag on the floor. He could have raised his voice in anger -- if he had any feeling towards it at all he might have, but no one was ever going to understand, how could they? And he wasn't angry. Annoyed, frustrated. Tired. He was so tired. Not physically, though there was that too. Tired of never being enough, and now he didn't feel that guilt. And no one would understand it. "And what would you have me do, Hayden? The power is fucking gone. And so is the horde, and the nightmares don't drag me down and suffocate me. My lingering guilt for all the shit I've done isn't pressing in on me. What. Do. You. Want. Me. To. Do?"