You Are Not Fine

[Nox]

The shower was hot and the pressure was good and without Lily waiting on him he took a much longer shower than the one before work. His muscles ached and the world lost focus as he drowned under the streaming water. Nox's whole body relaxed and the pain echoed through it. It knew what it was missing. It hurt, it mourned. It didn't pressured Nox into ending it.

He wasn't sure how he was supposed to live like this. He knew that the earbud was only a bandaid. And he knew that he needed more than just Lily and his family to survive, but he didn't dare think about who he needed. Nox was no longer sure that Raffe wanted to share a life with him. He hadn't wanted to look for a place with him. He hadn't wanted to anything together. Nox had always pressured him, always flirting, always being the one to act. He should just let it go. It was the rational thing to do.

But Love wasn't rational. And Nox remembered loving Raffe to the ends of the earth and back even after he walked away. And then Raffe was gone. They hadn't spoken in months, and when Raffe did text back more than an acknowledgement it was never about them. Nox needed to talk to Raffe.

He climbed out of the shower dripping wet and wishing he'd just fall and crack his head open. It would be an accident. But his luck was not there. And if he felt guilt, it would be the feeling running through his body now. He didn't want to die. He didn't want to end his life -- not really. But it was hard to go on when every breath burned his lungs, when the world seemed dark and dim.

Time held no concept in his head without his wallet or watch, stark naked in his bathroom alone Nox didn't know how long he stood there staring into the mirror trying to remember what it felt like to be alive.