Lyaeus (closed)

[Raffe]

The receptionist led him up one of the open glass staircases flanking either side of the desk. Raffe’s eyes were wide; he couldn‘t help staring. Paragon’s cerulean blue logo against all the white practically burned on his retinas. He was not sure if it was sensors or fortuitous timing, but the large projections rolling continuously at the top of the mezzanine were suddenly accompanied by a soft woman’s voice, intoning the virtues of Paragon. He saw signs for a visitors hall among other things, but his guide led him further along the corridor, away from the neat bank of elevators connecting all the public floors of the building.

After a short walk she left him alone in a small waiting room with a medical screening to complete. The tinted floor to ceiling windows along one wall boasted an impressive view of the gardens below, and everything around him was clean and comfortable luxury. Raffe’s eyes wandered. The chairs were plush leather, but he sat awkwardly on the edge of the cushion. The receptionist had taken his coat, but he’d blind panicked when she tried to unburden him of the scarf too, stupidly afraid of what she’d make of the scarring. Like it wasn’t already evident in his mangled voice. The woman had blinked, surprised, but only smiled politely and offered him refreshments, to which he’d stammered for water. But now that it had arrived every sip so far had only made him feel sick.

The medical questionnaire was filled in quickly, uploaded the moment he ticked the completed box, and in the meantime he was left to bounce his knee and wait.

Time trickled by slowly, until he wondered if they’d forgotten him entirely. Maybe they’d realised he shouldn’t even be here. Raffe barely had enough money to cover his transport to the building, and he certainly couldn’t afford any of the flashy and expensive procedures or technology Paragon pioneered. He was pretty sure even the crystalline water he forced himself to sip on was out of his price range. Mired too long in his thoughts, and feeling uneasy still, he eventually retrieved the wallet from his pocket. Held it gingerly in both hands and stared at the dark screen. His heart beat hard and fast in his chest. The message left on it for him laid heavy on his mind, but even now he hesitated.

After another moment his eyes blinked up to the silent door. Then he ran a miserable hand over his face.

And finally listened:

Hey Raffe,

If you are listening to this message, it means things didn’t go well, and I had Sage send the message to you. This isn’t me trying to fix things or get back together, or even to make you feel bad for me. Hurting you is the last thing I ever wanted.

I thought I was a better man. I know I’m better than I was, and that’s thanks to you. And I just wanted to tell you that without trying to win you over or play the emotional card when your feelings are valid. But I can’t leave it however we left it.

You need to know that it wasn’t about being alone, or lonely, or even relief that it was all over, tho the latter is part of it. It’s the reason he kissed me. We were at the end of the journey. The horde was dead. I killed another friend, and the last vestige of my sister I had. I broke in that moment, but the fight wasn’t done.

In every attempt to save us, Jay pulled the cavern down on top of us, pulling me through the opening before the ceiling collapsed on top of the last monster in the tunnels. But the ceiling in the tunnel was collapsing too. I broke out of head and fixated all my power on saving us — saving the city. If it all fell in…

In the end, I collapsed on the ground. I thanked him for saving me, and he kissed me. I let it happen, but I held him at bay at least long enough to tell him I made a promise. He kissed me again and his hand wandered below the belt and the horde’s instincts took over. I was unprepared for the onslaught. I thought they were gone. They had died down while Nova’s death ravaged my mind and body. It’s not an excuse — just a fact. I own what I did. And I’ll suffer the consequences.

I am weak.

But I learned in that tunnel, I can’t say no to Jay. It’s not love. It’s not lust. It’s understanding. It’s not that you don’t understand. Or that I even want him to. That connection is something I can’t explain. But I never loved him. Sure, he’s hot as fuck, but you are so much more than the cute boy next door. Hot! Sweet! Caring! Just absolutely amazing.

And as long as Jay’s in my life, he’s always going to be a threat.

Before I told you what I did, I ended things in the most horrible way possible with him and I don’t regret it. Again, not a plea to win you back, just a truth. My truth.

He showed me who I was. But you gave me the strength to be myself.

I’m sorry I hurt you.

I am forever in your debt for the love you showed me.

There is nothing I can do to repay or repair what I broke, but know that if you need anything — anything at all — I am here.

As usual, I rambled on. I love you. I will always love you. Have a great life Raffe, you deserve it.

Raffe’s breath caught. He’d become aware as soon as he heard Nox’s voice that he’d picked a dumb to time to flay the feelings from his soul, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop the recording either. The chasm in his chest deepened, and loss flooded every space left behind. The wallet clattered to the floor by the time it was done, and silence rushed back to the small room. He jammed the heels of his hands into his sockets and willed himself not to feel.

But the words wound round and round in his head. He stood abruptly. Changed his mind and bent to scoop the device back up. It all felt final in a way that was hammering the breath in his lungs. He didn’t know what he wanted. Not this.

“Mr Janssen?” A different woman this time, in a smart business suit, with her dark hair swept into a neat chignon. She had an expensive looking screen in one hand, and a tray in the other. “For your belongings. Please switch everything off before it is deposited. Some of our instruments are quite delicate.” She smiled, and if her eyes roved his face a little, she did not seem perturbed by his raw eyes or flushed cheeks. Raffe felt dismal. But he obediently powered the wallet down and slipped it in the tray. She asked about other tech or implants on his person or in his body, to which he shook his head blandly. The wallet was the only thing he had. It wasn’t even his.

“Excellent. Well, then. Mr Haart is ready to see you now.”