Nox saw the look on Raffe’s face when he looked at him, and he wiped the tears from his voice and pulled himself together. He didn’t tell Raffe any of this to make him feel guilty. His emotions he’d feel later if necessary. He was tempted to pull himself into the darkness where the light of the gods waited tainted by the horde. There was nothing pure in his life he didn’t fuck up. Not a goddamned thing.
”If you asked me to I’d tell the Ascendancy to fuck off. I can work with Jay if I have to but what I do and what he does shouldn’t collide often if at all. But if it would be of use I’ll drop it. I don’t care one way or the other about what the Ascendancy has for me to do.” He sounded cold.
He dropped the emptiness he’d reached for without thinking. A place he’d saught as a kid when his father had turned his life upside down. Memories had plagued him the first time, the horde the second time, and each time Nox gave into them. He whispered, ”I’m weak.”
Aurora’s blood drained face looked back at him with his mother’s eyes pleading for help as he torn Aria’s grave in the cement of the red light district — not too far from here actually.
Nox left the wallet on the floor. ”I didn’t do it to fix anything. I did it because if I want to be the man I want to be I can’t have someone in my life who didn’t even take the time to ask me what promise I made. I did it because I don’t want the temptation in my life.”
Nox smashed his head into the wall behind him, the pain jolting through his brain and he took a deep breath. ”I’ve never deserved you. Never understood why even after all I’ve told you about the kind of person I am you made the leap with me. I love that you trusted me to go into the bowels of the earth with the one person who I was worried about. I should have ended it before the tunnels. But you had faith in me. Faith I don’t deserve.”
Nox shook his head. ”I’m not your father. I didn’t hide the truth, you could watch the video feed of the whole thing if you wanted. I’m not offering empty gestures Raffe. I want to be a man that deserves your love but I know I pushed a boundary that I isn’t fixable. I want to try, but…”
Nox leaned forward with a half smile he wanted to reach out and touch Raffe but that would probably a bad idea, but he put his hand on the landing next to Raffe’s leg. ”You will always deserve better than me.”
”If you asked me to I’d tell the Ascendancy to fuck off. I can work with Jay if I have to but what I do and what he does shouldn’t collide often if at all. But if it would be of use I’ll drop it. I don’t care one way or the other about what the Ascendancy has for me to do.” He sounded cold.
He dropped the emptiness he’d reached for without thinking. A place he’d saught as a kid when his father had turned his life upside down. Memories had plagued him the first time, the horde the second time, and each time Nox gave into them. He whispered, ”I’m weak.”
Aurora’s blood drained face looked back at him with his mother’s eyes pleading for help as he torn Aria’s grave in the cement of the red light district — not too far from here actually.
Nox left the wallet on the floor. ”I didn’t do it to fix anything. I did it because if I want to be the man I want to be I can’t have someone in my life who didn’t even take the time to ask me what promise I made. I did it because I don’t want the temptation in my life.”
Nox smashed his head into the wall behind him, the pain jolting through his brain and he took a deep breath. ”I’ve never deserved you. Never understood why even after all I’ve told you about the kind of person I am you made the leap with me. I love that you trusted me to go into the bowels of the earth with the one person who I was worried about. I should have ended it before the tunnels. But you had faith in me. Faith I don’t deserve.”
Nox shook his head. ”I’m not your father. I didn’t hide the truth, you could watch the video feed of the whole thing if you wanted. I’m not offering empty gestures Raffe. I want to be a man that deserves your love but I know I pushed a boundary that I isn’t fixable. I want to try, but…”
Nox leaned forward with a half smile he wanted to reach out and touch Raffe but that would probably a bad idea, but he put his hand on the landing next to Raffe’s leg. ”You will always deserve better than me.”
![[Image: nox_sig.gif]](http://thefirstage.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/nox_sig.gif)