08-28-2020, 01:20 AM
Jacinda lay on the top of her bed and stared up at the ceiling, seeing nothing. No. Not nothing. Not really. An ache wrung at her heart, one that felt like it would never go away. She knew- at least intellectually she did- that it would fade with time. It had with Jill, after all. Normally, she never let herself think of it, of those final moments, that conversation, the desperation in her voice as she begged Jill- begged! she, Jacinda!- begged her to stay with her. There on Rez or moving from place to place or anything in between.
Jacinda had never been half-hearted about anything in her life. She was all or nothing. That was probably why most of her life, she kept things minimal- attachments to things and places, and even relationships, whether they be friendships, teammates, or just fuck buddies. It was the safest, really. Jill had only made that clear. She remembered driving away from her home, the road rutted and bumpy, the red sand and rocks a blur through the tears, the feel of her heart tearing in two as this woman, this funny sweet tender woman who had somehow crept through the cracks, gotten around her defenses, entering and taking up residence in her heart, this woman said she just couldn't be with her. That it was too big a step.
This woman who, months later, began to date that bitch from the Blue Coffee Pot, the pictures of their wedding- Hosteen Benally standing by her proudly as she married another woman- yeah, Jacinda had made the mistake of looking her up on social media one night when she'd had a few- this woman destroyed her again.
Only made it clear that it was her, the problem was Jacinda. Something was fundamentally wrong with her. She was unlovable. At the time, she had ached for Regan, the only one to ever truly have loved her. Of course now, now she knew. She was broken from the beginning. Regan hadn't loved her. No one had.
Stupid. She had been stupid to open herself to Tenzin. She had been foolish to think that the affection and ease and comfort she had felt from the other woman was anything more than sisterly, than friendship. She supposed it was something. Tenzin had proven to be friend. Had proven to be a sister. Except Jacinda had wanted more.
And now, stupidly, she had lost that. Tenzin had run off somewhere. The only reason she knew she'd be back was her stuff was here, precious things from where she was from. That and the book she pored over. But Jacinda wasn't stupid. She knew Tenzin would keep her distance, emotionally. Even if it was out of love and concern, she'd do it, to spare Jacinda.
And Jacinda didn't know if she hated her for that or not. Probably a little of both.
You fucking ruined it. The thought was ashes and her heart hurt at that simple fact. Again, the tears wanted to come but there was nothing left. Just sore eyes and a tired jaw and throat from weeping. She wanted to die.
At that moment she heard knocking. She hoped they'd go away. Not many strangers did door to door stuff, not these days. And if someone knew her, she had no interest in seeing them. Still, she thumbed her wallet and looked at the display from the door. It was a drone. Funny. She hadn't ordered anything. Then she heard a voice and she sat up. Amelia. She didn't immediately move off the bed, despite the reaction.
No, she paused, thinking. Did she want to deal with her? There was no danger of romance. Jacinda was done in that department, even IF the woman hadn't been easily old enough to be her daughter. She remembered holding the girl as she recovered from the fight with the harpies. Protective, that was what she had felt.
And Amelia had sent this drone to her now. The girl was a loner, despite her playful personality. She wouldn't have sent this to her if it wasn't important. Jacinda slipped on her shoes and left her room- it was filled with pain and old ghosts anyway- and went to the door to see what was going on.
Jacinda had never been half-hearted about anything in her life. She was all or nothing. That was probably why most of her life, she kept things minimal- attachments to things and places, and even relationships, whether they be friendships, teammates, or just fuck buddies. It was the safest, really. Jill had only made that clear. She remembered driving away from her home, the road rutted and bumpy, the red sand and rocks a blur through the tears, the feel of her heart tearing in two as this woman, this funny sweet tender woman who had somehow crept through the cracks, gotten around her defenses, entering and taking up residence in her heart, this woman said she just couldn't be with her. That it was too big a step.
This woman who, months later, began to date that bitch from the Blue Coffee Pot, the pictures of their wedding- Hosteen Benally standing by her proudly as she married another woman- yeah, Jacinda had made the mistake of looking her up on social media one night when she'd had a few- this woman destroyed her again.
Only made it clear that it was her, the problem was Jacinda. Something was fundamentally wrong with her. She was unlovable. At the time, she had ached for Regan, the only one to ever truly have loved her. Of course now, now she knew. She was broken from the beginning. Regan hadn't loved her. No one had.
Stupid. She had been stupid to open herself to Tenzin. She had been foolish to think that the affection and ease and comfort she had felt from the other woman was anything more than sisterly, than friendship. She supposed it was something. Tenzin had proven to be friend. Had proven to be a sister. Except Jacinda had wanted more.
And now, stupidly, she had lost that. Tenzin had run off somewhere. The only reason she knew she'd be back was her stuff was here, precious things from where she was from. That and the book she pored over. But Jacinda wasn't stupid. She knew Tenzin would keep her distance, emotionally. Even if it was out of love and concern, she'd do it, to spare Jacinda.
And Jacinda didn't know if she hated her for that or not. Probably a little of both.
You fucking ruined it. The thought was ashes and her heart hurt at that simple fact. Again, the tears wanted to come but there was nothing left. Just sore eyes and a tired jaw and throat from weeping. She wanted to die.
At that moment she heard knocking. She hoped they'd go away. Not many strangers did door to door stuff, not these days. And if someone knew her, she had no interest in seeing them. Still, she thumbed her wallet and looked at the display from the door. It was a drone. Funny. She hadn't ordered anything. Then she heard a voice and she sat up. Amelia. She didn't immediately move off the bed, despite the reaction.
No, she paused, thinking. Did she want to deal with her? There was no danger of romance. Jacinda was done in that department, even IF the woman hadn't been easily old enough to be her daughter. She remembered holding the girl as she recovered from the fight with the harpies. Protective, that was what she had felt.
And Amelia had sent this drone to her now. The girl was a loner, despite her playful personality. She wouldn't have sent this to her if it wasn't important. Jacinda slipped on her shoes and left her room- it was filled with pain and old ghosts anyway- and went to the door to see what was going on.