Saving Cayli

[Jay Carpenter]

An echo of an echo of anxiety reared and kicked him in the gut. Searing hot and made him want to double over. Or to look down and see if his insides had spilled out. Not literally, of course. But the pain was no less real. Natalie's jibe made him want to laugh and cry at the same time. He was acting like a dick. That was definitely true. But that wasn't the name that made him want to collapse. He had no idea why. Sure, there were times when daydreams filled the boredom that often occupied the life of a soldier. Before that, cattle didn't exactly carry on the best conversations so a man, even a teenager, sometimes carried on with themselves. Maybe it was that year after he graduated high school when Anna Marie was hinting around about things like the future and life after college - course, Jay had no intention of going to college no matter what the ACT score suggested. Jay always accepted he was cut from a different shade of cloth. If he wore black it wouldn't be for the tux at his own wedding. If he took vows, they came with a silver saber in hand not a silver ring. But the tilt of Natalie's accent struck the affectionate word with so much weight, it was like gongs beat inside his head until all else was tuned away. Or maybe he'd become deaf to the rest. Who knew?

He scratched at the back of his neck, but the frown on his face didn't completely strip him of all mirth. Her reminder tempted a smirk to the surface. He was well-accustomed to leashes. In fact, there was comfort in knowing one's exact place in the world. Taking orders wasn't glamorous, though. He learned as much repeatedly over the years. Especially when those orders were absolute shit.

Her duty in all this was something he'd forgotten. A duty imposed by Ascendancy, some kind of fail safe to protect from American interference. Though, unless someone rifled through his bags in the car, no awareness of his current allegiances would surface. Probably for the best, that would be, not just for the fact that he was now officially a traitor to the Constitution by serving a foreign nation. But also the fact that his family vehemently detested the Custody. Brandon in particular. The very man responsible for bringing Cayli's savior in time. Natalie.
 
When did she start to channel? How long had she known? Oh, yeah, I'm a wizard. Don't tell Vanders. What an idiot. He wanted to look away to blush in private. But it wasn't the first time he'd made a fool of himself and it was unlikely to be the last. Strangely, despite the idiot it made him out to be, he didn't regret the drunken call. Nor really did he regret the rest of the night either. Except maybe accidentally killing people in the concert. But every step of that night led to this very moment. It led to Cayli's safety. The path also led to reunion with a cartel drug lord that wanted him tortured and dead, but it also saved a little girl that deserved better. They all deserved better.

"I'm a shit son, Natalie." was Jay's answer. "I abandoned them when they needed me most. For pride and selfishness." The line of his jaw cut hard, even as he pat the animal he likewise abandoned. His gaze filtered in the general direction of the house like what his mind saw was burned into memory forever. "And I did it more than once. I was restless. Unhappy. I hated it here. It was too peaceful, I think."

The sobering moment of clarity surprised even him. Natalie hadn't tried to coax him to honesty, but there was more left out of the description. What kind of crazy person detested peace and family? Who wanted to run from green horizons and blazing sunsets into darkness flashing incindiary lights? Jay traded the grasp of a family that loved him for a rifle and pin. Why? That was the lie he told himself. No matter how much he yearned to say it aloud, like assigning his own voice the words would somehow diffuse their power, he wouldn't do it. He clutched too tightly to the lie that it was twined with his bones. He was one and the same as the man he wanted to hide. He was no hero. "I can be better." The whisper barely broke his lips like he wasn't sure he was lying or not.

He didn't know where her train of thought led, but he knew what it was like to believe something because it was easier to accept. She lied to herself just like he did. For probably entirely justified reasons. He wouldn't probe for details. But as he peered into pale eyes, he saw ghosts fluttering in their depths. Ghosts of wrongs, probably. Regret.

Jay's ghosts were far more violent. If Amengual didn't do the deed, they'd exact their own revenge someday. Hopefully, that day was a while off. Hopefully.

He flinched in the moment her fingers wrapped his wrist, but their grip was steadfast. Their slender strength was bred with the power of a musician, and that power stilled his own tension. His own knuckles wanted to react and shield hers in return. He should be the one to comfort her, not the other way around. Maybe graze a thumb down her cheek and tuck a strand of tangled hair behind her ear. He didn't.

The distraction was a blessing, though. Enough to infuse a fresh dose of determination. His grin was morbid. "I hope you brought a swimsuit because I think the casino has a pool."